04 August 2012

sadie girl..

all's been fairly quiet on the western front as far as our november baby is concerned.. the western front being the blog, and sadie being our november baby. there's no real reason for this, but i would say that there are contributing factors.

for one, this go round brought me to a realization that it is in fact possible to be sick as a dog for more than half of one's pregnancy. i thought twenty weeks of roadside pukeage was rough with ruby, but sadie came in with a new record as vomiting (not necessarily nausea) finally stopped a week or so ago at twenty-four weeks (spoke too soon.. threw up today before i had a chance to publish this post. blerg). i wouldn't say that i've had as many momentous upchuck occasions as i did with rubes (did i tell you about the time that i threw up into a trashcan less than 100 feet from a couple having their wedding photos taken in a park?.. that was a doosey), but the duration has kind of kicked my butt.

also, as i was told it would, time has seemed to speed by at a quicker rate this time. i'm not any less anxious for sadie to get here than i was for ruby, so you'd think that would make it seem slow, but i'm sure that the day-to-day goings on of keeping up with a 3-ish year old has aided in time zooming by. i remember feeling like it seemed forever away when i set up a haircut appointment seven weeks after my last one.. but, low and behold, that cut will happen next week and it feels like i made the appointment yesterday.

lastly, and i'm sure most affecting, is how different i've felt being pregnant with sadie than i did with ruby and the baby we lost last year. the odd thing about it is that, if anything, i felt the least with that baby until i felt the most. i never really had 'pregnancy symptoms' beyond a sore chest, so i can't relate it to what i feel with sadie based on things like that. we also didn't do a lot of planning or preparing because i miscarried early on. but.. the emotions that came through the grieving and recovery process affect my pregnancy this time in a way i never imagined and also never experienced carrying ruby. i wouldn't say that i'm still at a fearful state because we are out of the "touch and go" window since i'm so far along, but it's more the ripple effect that losing a baby has had on me. it's almost impossible for me to think of sadie without thinking of our second baby, and it's hard not to feel sadness and guilt because of that. there's a great chance that we wouldn't be having sadie if we had our baby last year, so although there's no way i can see a complete loss in something that brought us this sweet girl, i still wrestle with the guilt of feeling unable to separate the two of them from each other. i also struggle with referring to sadie as our "second baby.. pregnancy.. child" because she'll never be that to me.. she's our third. there are three eggs in my nest. but that's not really something you verbally vomit on a sweet old lady asking "is this your second?" in the middle of walgreens.. all the while feeling that little tinge of pain when you say that it is.

it's just things like that that i don't quite know how to handle.. emotions that i don't really know how to file away somewhere to make sense of them. i just picture myself in those days and weeks following that loss and think, "i never ever want to know pain like that again".. and the hardest part is that i know there is pain that far outweighs what i went through on levels i can't wrap my head around. so i work, daily, on taking those thoughts captive and saying thanks after thanks for this healthy girl who's growing and who i am so so confident will bring crazy joy and newness to our little family when she comes.

what a blessing.

a sweet tye-dye number d picked out while we were visiting family in ohio. 

25 weeks. (wouldya believe this was taken in the parking lot of a liquor store? i thought these oddly placed flowers were too beautiful to pass up)

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