sadie girl..

all's been fairly quiet on the western front as far as our november baby is concerned.. the western front being the blog, and sadie being our november baby. there's no real reason for this, but i would say that there are contributing factors.

for one, this go round brought me to a realization that it is in fact possible to be sick as a dog for more than half of one's pregnancy. i thought twenty weeks of roadside pukeage was rough with ruby, but sadie came in with a new record as vomiting (not necessarily nausea) finally stopped a week or so ago at twenty-four weeks (spoke too soon.. threw up today before i had a chance to publish this post. blerg). i wouldn't say that i've had as many momentous upchuck occasions as i did with rubes (did i tell you about the time that i threw up into a trashcan less than 100 feet from a couple having their wedding photos taken in a park?.. that was a doosey), but the duration has kind of kicked my butt.

also, as i was told it would, time has seemed to speed by at a quicker rate this time. i'm not any less anxious for sadie to get here than i was for ruby, so you'd think that would make it seem slow, but i'm sure that the day-to-day goings on of keeping up with a 3-ish year old has aided in time zooming by. i remember feeling like it seemed forever away when i set up a haircut appointment seven weeks after my last one.. but, low and behold, that cut will happen next week and it feels like i made the appointment yesterday.

lastly, and i'm sure most affecting, is how different i've felt being pregnant with sadie than i did with ruby and the baby we lost last year. the odd thing about it is that, if anything, i felt the least with that baby until i felt the most. i never really had 'pregnancy symptoms' beyond a sore chest, so i can't relate it to what i feel with sadie based on things like that. we also didn't do a lot of planning or preparing because i miscarried early on. but.. the emotions that came through the grieving and recovery process affect my pregnancy this time in a way i never imagined and also never experienced carrying ruby. i wouldn't say that i'm still at a fearful state because we are out of the "touch and go" window since i'm so far along, but it's more the ripple effect that losing a baby has had on me. it's almost impossible for me to think of sadie without thinking of our second baby, and it's hard not to feel sadness and guilt because of that. there's a great chance that we wouldn't be having sadie if we had our baby last year, so although there's no way i can see a complete loss in something that brought us this sweet girl, i still wrestle with the guilt of feeling unable to separate the two of them from each other. i also struggle with referring to sadie as our "second baby.. pregnancy.. child" because she'll never be that to me.. she's our third. there are three eggs in my nest. but that's not really something you verbally vomit on a sweet old lady asking "is this your second?" in the middle of walgreens.. all the while feeling that little tinge of pain when you say that it is.

it's just things like that that i don't quite know how to handle.. emotions that i don't really know how to file away somewhere to make sense of them. i just picture myself in those days and weeks following that loss and think, "i never ever want to know pain like that again".. and the hardest part is that i know there is pain that far outweighs what i went through on levels i can't wrap my head around. so i work, daily, on taking those thoughts captive and saying thanks after thanks for this healthy girl who's growing and who i am so so confident will bring crazy joy and newness to our little family when she comes.

what a blessing.

a sweet tye-dye number d picked out while we were visiting family in ohio. 

25 weeks. (wouldya believe this was taken in the parking lot of a liquor store? i thought these oddly placed flowers were too beautiful to pass up)

days and years..

rubes was in bed (and fast asleep) at 8:01 tonight. by 8:06 i was taking a shower in the first chance i had for the day, but despite that i really feel like we hit our stride today. please tell me that i'm not the only person who's been in this parenting game for (more than) three years and still has a heap ton of areas that we just haven't settled into yet. even "simple" ones like this.. a working schedule that makes for a mostly agreeable child and a mama who doesn't collapse into a puddle on the couch at the end of the day. 

yesterday, on the other hand, was not a stride kind of day. if anything, it was an are-you-trying-to-kill-me-can-we-both-just-go-back-to-bed-and-wake-up-when-it's-tomorrow kind of day. it was the kind of day where i went in and watched her when she finally went to sleep so that i could chant "the days are long but the years are short" to myself and say prays of thanks for her little self. 

i wish i could remember who it was that first said those words to me because they are without a doubt my parenting life mantra and the words that i share with any other parent who i can tell needs to hear them too (so, all parents, am i right?). 'cause they really really are.. long days, short years. even the days when i feel like we're in our stride.. we still have those moments when i'm repeating myself over and over again or walking in to see a ball of playdoh covered in water on the counter or realizing that ruby is out in the hall talking to our neighbors wearing nothing but socks. things that i'm for sure going to laugh about someday (let's be real, i'm chuckling a little bit typing them now), but that piled together into one afternoon have me taking a deep breath and and wondering "what is she thinking?" (and don't even let me fool you into thinking that was all that went down in the 12 hours she was awake yesterday.. uh hum, cracked ipad screen). 

but then we have those moments.. those redeeming and reassuring little moments when i realize that she really is learning and growing. when she says "ok mommy" instead of talking back, or when i say something once and she takes action. when she's patient, kind, or proactive. when we drive by a church and she says "mommy, that's the cross that jesus died on." those little moments that helps me see that in these long days and short years, we're getting somewhere. we might be getting there at a snail's pace at times, but it's still progress. 

hopefully i'm not the only one who needed that reminder today.

sweet summer..

it's our first indiana summer, and so far, it's so good.

i'm not sure about all of the meteorological (biggest word to be used on this blog yet) reasons behind it, but there's almost always a slight breeze around these part, and that is the best.

i'm thinking one of the very upsides to this summer is going to be the pool at our apartment complex. ruby's love for that little oasis is growing with each passing day, and i'm hoping it just gets bigger. she's getting braver, but not so brave that she scares the bejeezus out of me whenever we're there. she's the socialist of social butterflies, so it's inevitable that we'll end up making a friend or two during our times there through the summer. aren't kids just so awesome at making people talk to each other?

other than pool goodness, we started the friend and family seeing train off yesterday with a little park picnic with tom and rachel. that'll be followed by more time with them, with some jack and becky loving thrown in, in a couple weekends. then grams and grandpa will be here at the start of july. we'll be in sweet sweet NC for a couple weeks after that, and then back here to get into whatever else we can.

i have to say that hand-in-hand with my little letter to rubes the other day, was a little meltdown to jesus, my hubby, and a sweet friend. it was a good kind of shaking though, and in the past few days i've been really trying to put my gaze towards having a thankful heart. it's so easy to feel yearning for the way i wish things would look in some areas.. but i do not want to wish away a time that i would rather look back on in thankfulness.

so here's to a summer full of basking in what is, and seeking Him for leading in what's to come.

  

dear ruby..

my little lady,

you had me tore up from the floor up today.

sometimes it's as though i can literally feel the raw nerve endings on almost every emotion i have because of you.

one of the toughest and most amazing things about parenting is that i get to know you in a way that no one else does.. it's unique to us, and as thankful as i am for that it's also very trying at times.

you're really coming into yourself these days.

finding your voice, and sometimes it's a voice that i have to ask you to "put away" because it sounds meaner and more hard than i know your sweet spirit is capable of.

you have me so hooked on your unexpected and bizarrely timed compliments (like while i'm in the shower and you tell me that i look "so cute"), that, even though i know you don't really mean it like that, it still kind of hurts a bit when you say, "mommy, why are you wearing that headband? it looks silly on you".

especially on a day like today.

a day when i felt worn and lonely.

like all i wanted was someone who knows me, knows you, and could spend a little time letting me talk through swirling thoughts and emotions that kept stinging my eyes with tears when i least expected them.

a day when i knew that i needed to be more compassionate about your upset tummy from the medicine you've been taking, instead of frustrated that you went number two in your pants while we were far and away from anywhere to take care of something like that.

a day when everything you said and did made me question how i'm going to be cut out to handle having two children - being outnumbered almost constantly.

a day when i felt like it was time to start the morning almost as soon as my head hit the pillow the night before.

but as trying and wearing as being your mama can be at times, i know it's stretching me in a good way.

it's bringing me closer to Him - spurring me toward the Word so that i have the chance to read a reminder like this one.

to remember if my gaze is towards Him, then the gaze that i have on you will be one of more patience and less steep expectations and short tempers.

and then your sweet spirit speaks to mine telling me, "it's ok mommy, you'll be perfect in a little while" after i ask your forgiveness for my impatience and remind you that i love you.

so you give me the chance to assure you that, no, i'll never be perfect at all, but that i'll be trying and loving you as best i know how.

so, thank you sweet baby, for making me a mama and for tearing me up.

<3 mommy. 

4, 3, 1, and now.

the month of may is kind of a big deal for our little family. it's the month when our wedding happened, the month we become parents for the first time, and the month when we had a baby taken to heaven. i'm listening to this song on repeat while i think about this month and write this, and i feel the tears stinging every time i hear these words..

"you will never forsake or desert us."

i haven't felt like this because of Him in a long time. and you know why? because i do.. i forsake and desert Him. all.the.time. i take His goodness for granted and let life just happen around me instead of thanking Him for it and giving back. i want so badly for that to be a constant in my life, but i'm thankful for the month of may because i have a feeling that it will be just the zap and rustling that i need every year to pull me back in and closer to remembering His goodness, faithfulness, and sustaining. 

there's that stinging again.. when i really allow myself to be quiet and think about where i could should be, but am not because of Him. looking back on how good He was to bring d and i together four years ago, to have given us a sweet baby girl just a short year later, to have carried and comforted us through losing our baby, and to be gracious enough let us be parents again less than six months from now. 

may is good. He is good.

reality..

this is how boring a reality show about our life would be, but i figured i'd let you tune in anyhow. hey, at least it won't rot your brain like "jersey shore" or make you scared to step outside like "doomsday preppers".

[just found from 16 december 2011 - i thought i might distract ruby whilst trying to make dinner by letting her look at and talk to herself. as you can see, it worked for less than six minutes.]

the list revisited: two months in..

i feel like i'm already needing a refresher on my list of goals for twenty twelve, and it's only march - i'm hoping this isn't a grim foreshadowing of the rest of the year. i thought i'd take a little look back and update on where i am with each one. 

the list. twenty-twelve: revisited..

..work to improve and strengthen our marriage through more intentional conversation, servanthood, a commitment to intimacy, and seeking the Lord as the center.

i feel like we're not doing spectacularly on this one, but we're definitely making an effort and some strides. i really think that our five or so days in north carolina in january put us at a great place to keep making good progress in this area, and we've already had a date night since i've been back in town; which is awesome since we have very few babysitting prospects in our new town so far. but overall, i feel good at where we are with this one right now.

..work to be a more patient, sacrificial, and intentional parent and focus on teaching ruby more about the Lord.

man, reading back over these makes me realize what a high bar i set for myself. i was actually just thinking today about how much more patience i feel like i'm in need of, so good thing it's something on my list to work on. :) i will say that i've been more intentional lately about putting something not so important aside to give rubes my full attention when she asks for it. i hate that that can be so hard for me to do, but i'm trying hard to slow down and appreciate a time in her life that i know i'll look back on and miss.

..read at least six books.

i'm still reading radical, but i'm craaawling through it because i really want to absorb all that i can, so i've been thinking about overlapping it with an easier read (hunger games anyone?). 

..have another baby and be patient with the Lord's timing in that area.

well, i will say that we're working on this one :), but i cannot say that i'm fully being patient and not worrying about the timing. it's hard for me that every month that goes by is just that much farther apart that our next babe and ruby will be in age. the timing of our baby that we lost just felt so perfect to me, and it's still hard all the time when i think about what happened. i miss that baby, and it makes trusting the Lord with blessing us with another that much harder. i do all i can every time those thoughts and worries come into my mind to give them to him though, and i'm confident that He's pleased with that.

..find a small group through our church.

this one hasn't happened yet, but i've been in talks with some women who i've met through church about it. the main obstacle is finding a sitter or even a group that offers childcare while they meet. i'm planning on e-mailing the small group coordinator at church soon, so that should get me even more info.

..workout at least three days a week, and be up to five days by the end of the year.

i finally got my booty back to the Y earlier this week, and i'm hoping to amp up the time i spend there. i love it every time i actually go, so my next feat is making it a point to go earlier in the day so i don't run into ruby's naptime, that turns into dinnertime, that turns into it being too late for me to go.

..get better at self-evaluation and retrospection - take time to see how i'm doing before hitting bottom.

i think, as of right now, i'm at a pretty good place with this. i'm sure that blogging is a big factor in that, and also having some good talks with d here and there when i know i need to.

..set and stick to a realistic budget.

we're starting financial peace university at our church this sunday, so that should help big time with this one! i'm nervous, but also looking really forward to it.

..get better at sending birthday/anniversary/just because cards.

eh, not doing awesome at this one. one thing that's thrown me way off is that i accidentally threw away january-august of our old calender when we first moved into our new apartment. i know it sounds dumb that that matters, but i had been transferring events/birthdays/milestones from years past onto the new year's calendar for more than three years, and now it's all gone! i really don't know what i was thinking when i did that, but i'm working to recover everything i had on there as best i can. boo.

..plan our week before it starts (things to do on d's days off, who gets to sleep in and have "me" time on certain days, date nights planned in advance).

this one's going pretty well too. daniel's schedule is way more predictable than it was during the holiday season, so we know what's coming pretty far in advance. it makes me less of a crazy person, so i'm glad we're working on at least that little bit of planning

..blog at least once a week.

other than while i was in NC, i think this is one that will keep being on track. i'm enjoying it more and more, and love having this outlet and space to feel creative. i installed a new commenting format, so i'm hoping that helps with me being more interactive with anyone who has things to say about what i'm sharing here - and i think that's exciting!

..memorize at least one verse of scripture a week.

well, i've memorized one so far this year, so this one is in the pooper as of right now. i'm gonna get on it tonight actually, and i'll share the verse that i choose as soon as i know it. on the bright side, i still remember the one verse i did memorize. :)

well, that was long. thanks for hanging in there, and tell me, how are you doing with any goals you made for this new year?

true dat, c.s.

{via}

i'm learning: kitchen edition..

i've been thinking lately of starting a little segment about things i'm picking up and learning in different areas of life, and i'm getting the ball rolling with this, the "kitchen edition". i will never claim to be a fantastic chef, but i do feel like i'm gathering practices and information here and there that are helping me to like cooking a lot more than i have in the past, and, i mean come on, you know i've got opinions to share. :) so, without further adieu, let's get this party started!

.. cooking on a gas range is the bomb. since moving to indiana, i've had my first experience with having a gas stove, and i l-o-v-e it. it's quick, even heat, and if you realize you wish you had started something on that back burned instead of the front, BAM, just move it back there.

.. kitchen shears are the jam. i've been wanting a set for quite some time, and my sweet mama gave me a pair during our visit to north carolina. i use them constantly for things ranging from trimming fat off chicken breasts to cutting the edges off bread (yes, i wash them between doing those two things. and i know you're probably judging me for being a pushover of a mother and not making my daughter eat the crust, but she wastes more bread eating around it, so add that to the list of things i said i'd never do when i was a parent). i mainly love having a pair of scissors that are only used in the kitchen.. because i'm controlling like that.

.. when in doubt, thaw it out (you can frame that slogan if you'd like, i didn't copyright it or anything :)). i know i'm not the only one who has gone back and forth all day about dinner plans, not wanting to thaw any meat out just in case i ended up not need it, only to reach prep time for dinner and not having anything thawed to cook. so, i've learned to just set out some chicken breasts or ground beef at the start of those indecisive days, allowing whatever it is that i chose to help dictate what ends up being for dinner. i know this isn't a rocket science type of realization, but it's one i had so i'm sharing.

.. a good cutting board is a lifesaver. i'm a cheapo, and i have no problem admitting it. i want to think that i can find any and everything that i'll ever need at a thrift store or yard sale, and for just that reason, i've been working with janky, cracking, and warped cutting boards ever since having my own kitchen. i finally broke down at target (I LOVE TARGET) last week and bought a large, square, bamboo cutting board (on sale, of course), and it has been the sweet to have in our kitchen. it's nice not to risk cutting off a fingertip trying to slice a potato beside a mound of others piled 1/2 an inch from hand, or to dirty tons of bowls with chopped up meal components. has anyone ever loved a cutting board so much before? i'm guessing, no.

.. your crock pot (and/or dutch oven) should be your friend. i love what i've learned so far about using the dutch oven my mom got me for christmas, and i highly recommend having one, but i've been best friends with my crock pot for quite awhile. if you are a beginning cook and think you can't make a successful dish, google or pinterest search some crock pot recipes, and prove yourself wrong. they are easy and so satisfying because you can throw a few things in and be amazed at dinnertime by what went on under that lid. trust me, and try it.

in case you're wondering, this is what's stewing in there at the moment.

.. music and cheerful touches make you love it even more. ever since my sweet sis passed on a little ipod dock to me, i'm seldom in the kitchen without some tunes playing. it makes the time go by faster, and puts a little pep in your sauteing step. also, i'm a lover of any and all knick knacks, and my kitchen feels that love just like the rest of my house. i love being surrounded by little memories or inspiring words while i cook, and i think you would too.

.. watch cooking shows. i know i would stand there for the entire twenty minute appetizer round with my mouth hanging open if i were ever to be a contestant on "chopped", but even though i'm nowhere on those chefs' level, i've learned a lot of little tips and tricks from watching shows like that. whether it's a competition based show or something more along the lines of rachael ray's thirty minute meals, cooking shows will give you more knowledge and boost your confidence and know-how more than you might think. 

.. if you have one of these little people living with you, let them in there now and then to get their hands dirty. ruby loves even the simplest of jobs.. like me letting her wipe off an already clean counter or place cut up tortillas onto a cookie sheet. it helps me to take a deep breath, enjoy her tiny and fresh perspective on things, and keeps her out of the trouble she'd probably get into if i tried shooing her out of there.

ok, i think i'll stop there before i make myself sound like even more of a dork and continue to tell you things you probably already know. i'm going to try and start posting more recipes that i've tried and loved here and there, so be on the look out for that too.

now get out there and kick your kitchen's booty.
oh, and, happy friday! :)

ten things..

the other day, i was watching "up all night" (come on, who doesn't love some will arnett?) on hulu, and saw a really neat levi's commercial highlighting a real life, blogging wife and mama. i went right over to her blog afterward, and to be honest, never finished the show because i kept reading. mandy is fun, funny, and good at putting it all out there - which, of course you know, i am a huge fan of. anywho, she put a little "ten random things" challenge out there this morning, so i'm jumping right on that bandwagon. so, the plan is, you're gonna get a picture, ten random things about me, and then an answer to the ten questions mandy wrote. anddd, go.

me and my free grapefruit juice at a welcome center in florida on the trip down to see my grandparents with mom and ruby last month. [that was a long sentence] it. was. so. good.

my ten..

ten. if you know me well, you know that anything really bumpy or holey grosses me out. i.e. a honeycomb, the back of a fern leaf. i can't even explain why this is, but i get a queasy feeling whenever i see something like that. don't judge.

nine. as of right now, if i could have any career, i'd love to be an interpreter for the deaf. i've always been enthralled with sign language and wish i were fluent in it.

eight. my guiltiest television pleasure is "chelsea lately". 

seven. i love thrift store and yard sale shopping, but i get overridden with anxiety almost every time i go. it stems from wanting to find great things, and also trying to mentally picture where i would put said finds in our small and nearly full apartment. i also have a non-clutter-loving husband, and i never want to overwhelm him with it all once i walk in the door. 

six. sometimes i talk out loud like i have my own cooking show when i'm in the kitchen. i think it's funny and keeps things lively in there, and it always helps me realize how HARD that would be to do for real.

five. as much as i love the blogosphere, i often find it strange how much i "know" about people who i've never actually met. it challenges me to get to know the people around me better and to be as open with them as i can often be here.

four. i love coffee, but i hate the jitters. i'm sure people probably often think i'm missing the point when i order a decaf coffee, but i truly just love the taste.

three. i make a really odd, slightly crazed looking smiley face while watching something on tv that i think is sweet or funny. daniel will often call me out on it and laugh, but as hard as i might try, there's no stopping it.

two. i read my blog posts over several times before, and sometimes after, publishing them. you wouldn't know it from all of my lower case letters, centered alignment, and made up words, but i'm a spelling and grammar lover at heart, and i always want to get my points across as correctly as possible. ocd much?

one. i feel like i am in a constant battle against dust and dirty bathrooms in our house. i always think about conceding, but i shall prevail! :)

her ten..

1. have you ever met someone famous?

famous to most, no, but famous to me, yes. i met bethany dillon once. she was so nice, and pretty, and she told me to call her beth. :)

2. what is your happiest childhood memory?

shew, that one's hard. one that stands out the most is one christmas when my mom and step-dad set up the swing set they were giving my sister and me as our present in our livingroom. i remember having to go down the slide to get from our bedroom door to the livingroom.. it was a tiny house. :)

3. favorite album of all time?

dern, hard one. i could listen to patty griffin all day any day, so i'll say that.

4. are you a salty or sweet lover?

i guess i'd say salty over sweet, but i love both in their own time.

5. what is your favorite guilty pleasure tv show or movie?

ha answered that above. chelsea lately. but i'm also a closet TMZ lover.. well, not so closeted anymore.

6. describe your favorite sandwich.

two slices of toasted, crusty sourdough, spicy mustard, a bit of mayo, spinach, low-salt deli turkey, pepper jack cheese, and a slice of ripe tomato. can you say specific?

7. what was your first pet?

that i can remember? my sister and i both had pet raccoons when we were little. they were sweet like little babies.

8. what is your biggest accomplishment thus far in life?

pushing a human out of my body. i still can't believe i carried ruby for almost a year inside of me, let alone got her out of there. it's like a dream when i think about it happening, and i have to convince myself when i see pictures that it's really me with that baby bump.

9. what is the first blog you started reading?

hmmm.. good question! i'm not totally sure, but i know i started while we lived out in california at the start of our marriage about four years ago. there's a good chance that my brother and sister-in-law's blog was one of the first, so we'll go with that one.

10. if you had to choose one dessert for the rest of your life, what would it be?

sweet sixteen white powdered doughnuts. but i hope that never happens.

your ten..

here are ten questions from me, to ju. put a link in the comment section if you join in so i can read your post!

uno. what's something that makes you anxious just thinking about it?

dos. what's something that makes you super happy just thinking about it?

tres. if you could stay in bed for a whole day, what would you want to do?

cuatro. where's a place you've visited that you would never want to go again?

cinco. what's your favorite facial feature.. on yourself, of course.

seis. would you ever adopt a chlid?

siete. if you could spend $2,412 at one store, which one would you choose? 

ocho. who's someone you know you can count on, and why?

nueve. what's the last book you read from cover to cover?

diez. if you could go to college again, or for the first time, what would you major in?

and thirty facts and questions later, we're done! methinks, that was fun.

happy tuesday, all. :)

   

things i might forget..

lately, it's been hitting me just how quickly time is going by, and how many little, quirky things that ruby does and says that i might (read: definitely will) forget. i have a tERRible memory, and there's also so much of it that i'd challenge anyone to hang onto all of that cuteness in their memory bank. so, since this is the main place that i've chosen to document life and "put it all out there", here goes..

-- you love clothes. like an i-clean-up-clothes-more-than-toys kind of love. you call one piece of clothing a "clo". as in, "mom, can i try on just one more clo before bed?" makes sense to me. the dress-up box that auntie v and kyle gave you for christmas is your current favorite thing to play with, and there is no telling what sorts of amazingly eclectic (and always colorful) outfits i'll see from you throughout the day. you've had your fair share of wardrobe changes over time, so you're super good at getting any and all kinds of clothing on and off without my help. it's kind of nice to let you get ready for the day or for bed all on your own, but i still love dressing you when you'll let me.

-- you're convinced that carrots will make your hair grow (not sure who told you that ;)), so you're always excited to eat them and ask me if i can see it growing.. of course i can!

-- pushing has often been a challenge for you, but you have gotten so so so much better at being more kind and patient, even just recently, and i'm so thankful for that. i will say that getting pushed a time or two recently when we've been out and about has probably contributed to you realizing how bad it feels, and i'm okay with that. we talk a lot about how we should treat others, and it's been neat for me to see your little  mind and heart grasping what kindness and gentleness look like.

-- you have an amazing vocabulary, and stellar pronunciation in most areas, but you still call strawberries "traw-trawberries". i never correct you.

-- you can be very rough and tumble at times, but you are also insanely affectionate and compassionate. if ever i tell you that someone in our family or one of your friends is sick, you make this super sad face and tell me that we need to tell them, "i'll be ok". you're always giving kisses and you're very quick to tell me that you love me.

-- you're a great mix of friendly and cautious when it comes to strangers. you ask any and everyone that we see in our apartment building what their name is, and bring a smile to so many faces because of it, but you won't hug or even give a high five to just anyone. we try and instill in you that you have a choice about who touches you, and i'm thankful that, even at two and a half, your affection is intentional because it's something you choose to give.

-- you're already so funny and witty, and often surprise me with jokes you make and things you realize will make people laugh. you and i belly laughed the other night because i was commenting on how messy your room was before bed, and right at that moment you threw a card that you had in your hand onto a pile of dress-up clothes and burst out laughing. somehow you knew that adding to the mess at just that moment was funny, and it had us both in stitches.

-- you make up silly songs all the time, and i always love listening to you when you don't know that i am while you sing about random things around you. i'm hoping that's leading into you being musical, because i would love that.

-- without any encouragement to do so, you love princesses and all things girly. you can spot a picture of snow white from a mile away, and you love hearing any princess story i can think of. you're really good at telling them yourself, and it's always hilarious to see how you intermix characters into stories that they don't belong in. it was so fun to take you to meet the princesses while we were in disney world, and i count it a blessing that we could go there.. i'm thankful it's something we'll be able to tell you about and show you pictures from when you're older. 

-- you love your daddy so much. we both get so excited and do silly dances whenever he calls to tell us he's on his way home, and you'll randomly say things like, "my daddy is so strong" and "aw, daddy is so sweet". it brings tears to my eyes when i hear him singing to you or reading you a book at night, and i'm still thankful for the ways that seeing him as your daddy, and you as his little girl, are redeeming things in me of what i think of as a father. 

-- you blow my mind with your knowledge of technology. you can unlock and navigate pretty much any kind of smart phone that someone might let you hold. so much so, that you think people you're talking to on my "dumb phone" should be able to see whatever you're talking to them about, so you hold the phone up to it and tell them to "look". you also think all screens are touch screens, and have gotten into trouble a time or two for trying to push "buttons" on our tv.

-- you love babies and could ooh and ahh over them for ages. you talk constantly about having a baby sister named olivia, and trust me, daddy and i are doing all we can to make you a big sister. i know you'll be such a great one.

-- you've recently been more willing to cuddle in bed with me after you first wake up and come into our room in the morning. you'll lie there for quite awhile with your forehead to mine, rubbing your hand on my arm or against my face. it's become one of my favorite parts of the day.

-- you really, really love reading books, and while daddy or i read to you before nap or bed is probably when you're the calmest and quietest all day. lately you like to "read" a book to us after we read it to you, and i'm always amazed at how much of it you can recall back to us.

-- you always want to help me cook and clean, and you're constantly helping me learn more patience as i slow down and let you do more things with me. they're sometimes hard lessons, but i'm so thankful for how much i learn from, and because of, you.

ruby girl, i know that you are by no means a perfect little girl. 

you need training and discipline much more often than i envisioned 

a child needing, but i am so thankful to be your mama. 

you light up a lot of lives, and God did something very kind 

when he gave you to me and your daddy.. 

and that's something i never want to forget. <3

home to me..

life is resuming normalcy after our arrival back to the great state of indiana on thursday afternoon. i told d over dinner that night that the weirdest thing about being away from home for so long is that, once we're back, it feels like we never left. i'm so glad it feels like that. even though i almost constantly miss our friends and family who don't live here, it amazes me just how much my heart and home are in whatever little apartment in whatever little town i live in with daniel and ruby.. i'm so thankful for that, and was reminded of it so much over this time apart. 

i told daniel that my love for him was rekindled during the first part of our vacation; while he was able to be with me and ruby for a little time in NC. there was something so comforting about that long, through the night drive with he and rubes sleeping as i maneuvered through winding west virginia roads.. seeing him feel so at ease with my family, and knowing that i feel just the same with his.. knowing it was a priority for him to make a date night with me before he left to go back to indiana..  feeling connected by long talks about our hopes and questions about our next moves in life.. reminiscing, once we were apart again, about our dating days, and writing him a love note to remind him of the things i'm thankful for.
sometimes i linger more in the "hard truths" of what marriage looks like.. i never want to give the impression that being married or having kids in the fix all for life's worries or loneliness, or to ever make it easier than it already is for anyone who reads what i write here to play the comparison game. i don't want to paint some picture that isn't accurate or fool anyone into thinking we've got much, if anything, worth striving for. but sometimes i think i take away from His goodness and grace toward us when i don't give credit and shed light on the ways that i'm more than thankful for the husband i have and the life i'm blessed with. intermixed in that sharing will be mentions of the reality and realness that this cleaving together brings, but i hope that that shows all the more that the Lord should receive the glory for any good that comes from or to us. i am a broken, broken girl who's stepped into the role of wife and mama, and i rejoice in the moments when all that's swirling around us slows long enough for us to taste and see that He is good.. like sun rays splitting through a darkening sky.
that's what this trip felt like for me.. a time to revel in thankfulness for the people we love who are sprinkled near and far, but to fall back into the comfort of knowing that He's fit me with a good man and sweet little girl who are home to me.

romans 8:6..

just sharing my memory verse for this week. having it in my head and heart has been blessing and challenging me.. hopefully it can do the same for you. 

[i hope i don't make any of you feel discouraged about your normal state around the house by how fancy i look in this video.. i'm usually much more laid back.] :)

the list..

i had a little time to myself at a well-known coffee house yesterday to do a bit of reading and reflecting. i've thought about and wanted to make a goals list for this year ahead, and that's one of the things i was able to accomplish during my couple of hours. i thought i'd share here.. for memory's sake, and also for a bit of accountability. so here you have it. 

the list. twenty-twelve.

..work to improve and strengthen our marriage through more intentional conversation, servanthood, a commitment to intimacy, and seeking the Lord as the center.
..work to be a more patient, sacrificial, and intentional parent and focus on teaching ruby more about the Lord.
..read at least six books.
..have another baby and be patient with the Lord's timing in that area.
..find a small group through our church.
..workout at least three days a week, and be up to five days by the end of the year.
..get better at self-evaluation and retrospection - take time to see how i'm doing before hitting bottom.
..set and stick to a realistic budget.
..get better at sending birthday/anniversary/just because cards.
..plan our week before it starts (things to do on d's days off, who gets to sleep in and have "me" time on certain days, date nights planned in advance).
..blog at least once a week.
..memorize at least one verse of scripture a week.

it was really exciting and challenging for me to work out this list yesterday, and the various things on it have been on my mind all day today.. which i'm hoping is a good sign! it was also encouraging to pray and commit them to the Lord after writing them down, feeling confident that he will impress on me to add to or take away where he sees fit - i'm so thankful that he's even more concerned about the well-being of my marriage, my parenting, my relationships, and my body and spirit than i am.
---------------------------------

and lastly, here is my memory verse for the week.

romans 8:6
the mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the spirit is life and peace.

i've been reading through romans suuuper slowly but, i must say, every time i go back to where i left off, be it a day, week, or month later, whatever i read just feels so timely.. i read part of romans 8 last night, and knew right when i put the "memorize at least one verse of scripture a week" on the list, that this would be this weeks verse. i feel like pretty much all of the goals i have for this year come down to needing a mind controlled by the spirit.. i especially love how the mind controlled by the spirit is not only characterized by "life" but that "peace" is also added in there. who doesn't want more peace? well, probably terrorists, but i'm not really using them as a model here. really though.. peace. peace peace. let's push, work, and strive to have this be a year filled with peace in all the areas of our life. ready... go.

happy new year!

you never know..

i was reading something the other day (and of course, right now i can't remember what), and it started me thinking about how much we are unaware of, and how unaware we are of that fact. is that the most confusing sentence you've ever read? thought so.

really though, think about how many things in your life you never saw coming.. maybe even some that you are in the midst of and thinking, "how did this start?" you might think i'm talking about negative things, and in some instances maybe that's true, but overall i mean the good. the good and unexpected things in life that you never saw coming. that were possibly unfolding without you really even knowing it. that stranger you met who ended up being a friend forever, those words you said or little tradition you started with your child that will turn into one of their greatest memories, that baby growing inside you/your wife that neither of you realize is there yet, that unusual route you took to work this morning that kept you from getting in an accident, that scripture you stopped just before because you'll need it at the exact moment you start their next time, that person who the Lord is leading to bless you in a way they couldn't have known about without His leading.. there's just so much.

so, what do we do with that? operating under the assumption that we'll remain unaware, how do we live life differently? how do we appreciate those things that we don't even know are happening? i guess it has to come down to cultivating an awareness of being unaware. working to realize that we are constantly walking through and living in situations that we'll only either be able to look back on with awe and realization or never know about at all. what a holiness there is to life when we strive to remember and appreciate something so abstract and beyond our control. 

who's it for?

lately, i've been questioning a lot of the things that i want for ruby at this stage in her life, and asking myself whether they are for her good or mine. i understand that there is a balance here.. i don't want to do things solely for her and ignore myself, or vise versa. we spend nearly all of our time just the two of us, and i want our days, routines, and practices to be for both of our best.
one thing that this new question is causing me to reevaluate is the potty learning process. ruby had that down pat before we moved from raleigh.. she was not wearing a diaper at all while we were home, except for at nap and nighttime, and it started out this way when we first moved up to indiana. recently, she has completely backtracked in this area... as in, going anywhere but in the potty almost constantly, and really starting to seem frustrated with the process. i was starting to get frustrated as well, and felt myself wanting to force her into something it was looking more and more like she wasn't really ready for. these are the times in mommy-hood where i feel a lot of inner conflict.. am i going to mess her up by putting her back in diapers after all this time of working towards being potty trained? she seems so much older than she is because of how well she can talk and how smart she is.. are people going to judge me when they see me out in public with this seemingly very old (in fact, only 2 1/2 year old) child and wonder why she's still in diapers? how am i even going to know when she is ready.. it's not like i've ever done this whole parenting thing before. so, in the end, it came down to, who am i trying to do this for? solely for her benefit because it seems like something she's ready for and capable of, or for mine because i care about what other people think and feel like she should be ready? and when i realized that the latter was the true driving force now that she is showing less interest and ability and more frustration, i knew it needed to be put on hold for awhile. 

another area is napping.. oh naps. so much of me feels like i need for her to nap everyday. it's my "me" time, and when three or four days went by a few weeks ago and she wouldn't nap, i kind of had a panic attack. i tried to start forcing her to nap and disciplining her when she wouldn't, and then that question started popping in my mind, "who's it for?" if i can see it written all over her that she's just not tired and doesn't need a nap for a week straight, or ever again, then i need to realize that we can and should shape our days (and my sanity) around that.. because me getting overwhelmed trying to make napping happen when i'm clearly fighting a losing battle, instead of  spending my energy thinking of alternatives to the usual "sleeping time", only breaks us both down. i saw that her nap time was becoming more about me than about her.. about time that i wasn't willing to give up even when it was better for my little girl.

so, that's the new mental mantra for this mama.. "who's it for?" and i'm seeing that extend in my heart towards other areas of my life as well. i so long for my often completely "me centered" mentality to be shifted and reformed, and although it can be so hard at times, i know that it is also so good.

create in me a clean heart, o God, and renew a right spirit within me.

psalm 51:10

this girl..

..makes me so proud and surprised every day.
..stretches and adds perspective to areas in my life that would otherwise most likely remain untouched.
..brings an ease to days that would normally seem hard, long, and lonely.
..made daniel and i parents, and teaches us more about what that means everyday.
..makes time seem to go by so fast, and so slow, simultaneously.
..helps me not to take myself so seriously
..consistently helps change for the better how i see other people, myself, my purpose, my attitude, my marriage, her daddy, my worries, my joy, and my God.
..can, somehow, make me feel every extreme emotion on a daily (and even hourly) basis.
..on a day like today, when i found myself questioning and doubting myself as a wife and stay-at-home mama, spoke truth in an honest and intentional way just by putting her little hand on my back and saying, "you're a good mommy".
..is the best surprise and biggest blessing i've ever been given.



ruby girl,
i'll love you forever
i'll like you for always
as long as i'm living
my baby you'll be.