15 June 2012

dear ruby..

my little lady,

you had me tore up from the floor up today.
sometimes it's as though i can literally feel the raw nerve endings on almost every emotion i have because of you.
one of the toughest and most amazing things about parenting is that i get to know you in a way that no one else does.. it's unique to us, and as thankful as i am for that it's also very trying at times.
you're really coming into yourself these days.
finding your voice, and sometimes it's a voice that i have to ask you to "put away" because it sounds meaner and more hard than i know your sweet spirit is capable of.
you have me so hooked on your unexpected and bizarrely timed compliments (like while i'm in the shower and you tell me that i look "so cute"), that, even though i know you don't really mean it like that, it still kind of hurts a bit when you say, "mommy, why are you wearing that headband? it looks silly on you".
especially on a day like today.
a day when i felt worn and lonely.
like all i wanted was someone who knows me, knows you, and could spend a little time letting me talk through swirling thoughts and emotions that kept stinging my eyes with tears when i least expected them.
a day when i knew that i needed to be more compassionate about your upset tummy from the medicine you've been taking, instead of frustrated that you went number two in your pants while we were far and away from anywhere to take care of something like that.
a day when everything you said and did made me question how i'm going to be cut out to handle having two children - being outnumbered almost constantly.
a day when i felt like it was time to start the morning almost as soon as my head hit the pillow the night before.
but as trying and wearing as being your mama can be at times, i know it's stretching me in a good way.
it's bringing me closer to Him - spurring me toward the Word so that i have the chance to read a reminder like this one.
to remember if my gaze is towards Him, then the gaze that i have on you will be one of more patience and less steep expectations and short tempers.
and then your sweet spirit speaks to mine telling me, "it's ok mommy, you'll be perfect in a little while" after i ask your forgiveness for my impatience and remind you that i love you.
so you give me the chance to assure you that, no, i'll never be perfect at all, but that i'll be trying and loving you as best i know how.
so, thank you sweet baby, for making me a mama and for tearing me up.

<3 mommy. 

1 comment:

Joye said...

Love your honesty, Alinna! Thanks for sharing your heart with us.

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