11 January 2009

ramble...

i know it's been forever and a day since i've written on here, and for that i do apologize. i'm not going to make an promises about what the contents of this blog will be as i don't really feel like i've learned anything profound or ground-breaking lately, but i do have a lot going in and out of my mind so i'll do my best to let some of it out on here... which i think will be good for me, and maybe with the lord's help will do something for you. i've been thinking about writing so often lately, and today started out and remained pretty good up until about 30 minutes ago so now i feel sort of in a mood where i don't know if it's going to be the best time to write, but maybe that means that that's exactly what it is.

for those of you reading this that know even the littlest bit about daniel and my life over the past, well, let's say year, it's needless to say that's it been nothing but a whirlwind. with both of us having graduated, married, moved, conceived :), and so much else since december of 2007 it's putting it lightly to say that i've pretty much felt like i'm walking through a haze ever since then. part of me is thankful that so much craziness has happened during this time just because i feel like it's allowed me to keep from coming back down to reality to actually feel all of the changes; perhaps making them easier to handle than if there had been time in between each thing to settle only to have something else come our way... or at least that's what i'm telling myself. :) i feel like the best way to describe my attitude towards walking through life right now is literally blind faith... with an emphasis on the blind part. i'm not saying that i don't have my breakdown moments, because just ask my husband and he can attest to the fact that i do, but i do feel like i've been able to look at things and believe in the deepest part of myself that God does know what he's doing and that not only i, but everyone touching our lives right now, is learning something from all of this. not to say that i know for a fact that i'll look back at this time in my life and say that it was better than it feels right now, but i do think i'll be thankful for it in some way or another.

i feel like i'm speaking a bit abstractly about what all exactly is affecting us right now, so i'll focus in on one part of it at least to better explain how i'm feeling. out of all the changes going on in my life i would say that living in california is by far the hardest thing. not to say that there haven't been days more often lately when i do see how far we've come... when i think about the fact that less than 8 months ago we moved to a state thousands of miles away from our home not knowing one person. this is the first time in my life when i've experienced something that intense, and although i do feel like i can compare in to college in some ways it's not the same seeing that i did have at least a few people i could cling to when i went to app. and i was less than 2 hours from home... so, overall, it's very different. the main thing that's hard about it brings into play the reason i said at the beginning that my day got bad about 30 minutes ago. of course, i do take into account that i'm prego and emotional, but it does often seem that when i happen to be having an ok "california day" it doesn't fail that something brings the fact that things are very different here screaming back into my mind. this happened today after having a decent morning relaxing, reading the 3rd twilight book (thanks, tine :)), having a good lunch during a visit with daniel and one of his co-workers at surfride, and making my way to the coffee shop to sit and blog liked i'd been planning on doing today. well, on my way here our sweet little element decides to do what it hasn't done since we first got it and have a weird engine cut off in the middle of the road in carlsbad (the town right next to ours which i equate with blowing rock for those of you who have been there). so i'm sitting in the road with my hazards on having people going around me frustrated but without a second glance to help trying to call d on his cell and at work only to be put on hold while trying again and again to start the car to no avail. finally, it starts but turns off again while i'm turning meaning that the steering wheel is pretty much impossible for my scrawny little arms to maneuver while i'm still trying to keep the phone to my ear hoping they'll get daniel on the phone. so i do get it to coast into the parking lot, down the hill, and into a parking space in the lot where i'm going anyway for the coffee shop, but daniel still hasn't been able to get on the phone (don't judge him here- i was fully aware that he was with a customer and that he probably didn't even know i was trying to reach him because well, we're in california and i'm sure none of his laid back co-workers were sounding the alarm that his wife was on the phone waiting) so i leave the car behind and come to browse facebook for a minute to clear my mind (pathetic, i know, but it works). so, in the meantime, before daniel notices my missed calls on his phone i have just enough time for the emotions to bring me right back to the thing that's the hardest for me to deal with here- feeling alone. i do have daniel, and i want to say that i'm the wife who can say with total truth that that is always enough for me, but i have to be honest that especially at times when he's at work and i'm alone at home or in the middle of the road with my hazards on that that's just not the case. i feel alone, and the realization often hits me that here in california he's truly all i have and sometimes it would make life seem so much easier, more comfortable, and more in control if that wasn't the case. i couldn't help but picture that same scene in raleigh with him at work, me stranded on the side of the road, and a number of people i know i can call that would be there in the blink of an eye. it's not like this is something i can't deal with, but it is hard. it's also hard because in that moment on the pacific coast highway i was picturing myself not alone but with our little newborn baby and a car that wouldn't start... and i thought, man, that's going to make things so much more complicated. so that, loneliness, that's the biggest thing right now. having pretty much every saturday and sometimes sunday with just myself. of course, i'm so thankful for my husband.. i'm so thankful that he works as many hours as he can get and that he loves it here as much as he does because i want him to. i'm thankful that he listens to me express when it's hard and soaks in every minute of the times when i'm having a good day (or few hours) enjoying california, us, and the way life is right now. i'm so thankful that even if it doesn't happen as often as i wish it did that i can go have time like we just had in raleigh with people that know us, really know us... how refreshing. and even if i don't feel that very often right now, it's a comfort to my soul (corny, but true) to know that that's out there for us.. because i know some people don't have that anywhere or with anyone. i'm thankful that there are people here that love us and are excited for our baby to come, and although i know no one cares about us like our family and very closest friends do, i do think it's amazing that you can move somewhere totally new and find people that appreciate who you are in such a short amount of time.. i'd like to think that that says something about people, about us and them. i'm thankful that i know that God has a plan for us... and that he takes his time showing it more often than not, but that even in the questions and often doubts i do feel assurance and comfort knowing that i can rely on his goodness and knowledge of what's best for us. don't get me wrong, i very often find myself speaking words aloud of his faithfulness not necessarily because i feel them at that moment but because i know in my soul the truth and have to speak it if only to remind myself until i get to the point where my spirit does feel it again.

another thing i'm seeing about myself, and that will probably be the only bit of advice from my experiences lately that i'll offer here, would be how much i compare myself and my life to others going through what i believe are "similar experiences" as mine at the moment. for instance, right now i spend much too much time comparing my and daniel's life to any newly married couple that i know. i paint a picture of some blissful, content, settled life for everyone else and beat myself up thinking that i'm just not living the newlywed life that i pictured for us before we were married. it's so hard not to do this, but so ridiculous when i think about the fact that i do. there's no way for me to truly know what they're going through, and of course we all know that it's very easy to assume perfection of others' lives just because they're not our own. it's something i'm really trying to break myself of and something that i would encourage you not to let yourself fall into if it's not a struggle already. i want so badly to live looking at the Lord and knowing that as long as i'm doing all i can to follow what i believe he has for me that there's no need comparing it to those around me because it won't and shouldn't look the same. i do want to say that i'm getting better at it, but i can't deny that i still have those times when i look at facebook pictures of my newlywed friends and think "man, they look so much happier than i feel right now."

i hope i'm not painting a terrible picture of my life right now... although i'm sure once i read back over this in a minute i'll realize that i am. i'm just trying to be honest, but i can also be honest in saying that i am thankful and appreciative of so much right now. i am fully content being married to daniel.. and that satisfaction with us having chosen one another is honestly the one thing in my california life that doesn't change. i am so amazed and thankful for the relationships that i've maintained, and also begun, since we've moved. i am overwhelmed with love and appreciation for the friends and family i have that, although i know realize it's harder and different, keep such a close connection with me even though it's over the phone. for the cards, encouragement, and prayers we consistently get even after being here for almost 8 months. not that i thought every relationship i had before we moved would fall apart, but i still can't help being thankful that if anything some of my bonds feel even stronger because of the distance... that really is amazing to me. and, although it is insane, overwhelming, and very often unimaginable, i am also very thankful for this little baby living inside me right now. i can't believe it's in there, and although the adjective i most often us to explain it is simply "weird" (which i know doesn't sound very loving), i do think it's unreal and so awesome that God did this. i know it's going to turn our world upside down when our baby arrives, even more than it has already, but i truly am excited about it. we're going to have a lot of fun. :)

ok, i've written a lot and i'm sure it's a jumble and a ramble just like a i thought it would be, but i'm glad i got it out and i'm sure it will making writing from here on out a lot easier since i got to sit down and have a massive catch up session. thanks for reading if you made it all the way through, and please take what i've said in the spirit that it's intended. i am thankful for my life, and i do know that God is working... but i also know that it's hard at times and i'm ok with that because i know it will make the revelations of his purpose over time that much sweeter.

i'll end with the lyrics from a hymn that i know you've probably heard or sung before. it was brought to my attention and heart again because daniel's brother and sister-in-law (luke and rockie) put it in their christmas newsletter. it's been the song that's sustained them throughout their pregnancy with sweet little isaac who was born just recently on 12.3.2008, and i'm thankful because it's been a comfort to me ever since reading and meditating on it last month.

“Great is Thy faithfulness, oh God my Father; There is no shadow of turning with Thee; Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not; As though hast been, Though forever will be.

Pardon for sin and peace that endureth, Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide; Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow, Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness! Great is Thy faithfulness! Morning by morning new mercies I see. All I have needed Thy hand hath provided; Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!”

i know that it may not touch you like it has me, but i do hope that you can find assurance and comfort in the words when you need it.

enjoy your day.

alinna.

1 comment:

The Mehaffie's said...

we love you guys! antalina, thanks for sharing your heart...we had so much fun with you guys last week and it already seems a long time ago. i know how you feel (from when i was in russia) about not feeling like you can truly connect with anyone. god used that year to MAKE me depend upon him alone and i wouldnt trade it. today is the day you see your GIRL! i say it will be a girl (even tho prefer a boy cousin for iceman). i glad you not died in a wreck.

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