18 December 2014


as 2015 is inching its way to us, i've found myself reflecting back on and looking forward to how i feel about new years. i've realized that, as a worrier, each year i look to january 1st with a good bit of trepidation. i say "as a worrier" not in a "this is who i am and plan to always be" kind of way, but rather because i recognize this about myself in hopes of not always living beneath it. 

i've struggled with worry for as long as i can remember. i think a lot of it comes from a need and desire to control, but also in many ways from a mostly unstable past. i just want to know what's going to happen and i worry that at any given moment the rug is going to be pulled from under me. 

daniel and i often have discussions where i look at him with complete confusion as he tells me that no, in fact, he does not lie in bed at night and wonder if i'll die. or worry that one of our kids will get sick or what life will look like when our parents pass away. i just can't believe these things don't overtake his mind on the regular.. because a day does not go by when i don't think these thoughts. i'm the girl who can't reach you for too long (read: 30 minutes) by phone and assumes you've been in a head-on collision and died. it seems irrational when i type it out so plainly, but when i'm in the midst of one of my worrying spirals it all makes so much sense. 

but the thing i'm seeing as i look forward to this new year is that i'm right
these things will happen. 
people i love are going to die. and get sick. and have really really hard things happen to them. 
and i know this because it's already happening. 
i have friends whose babies have died, whose husbands have died. i love people who are experiencing infertility and loss and divorce. 

this knowledge, the one that at any given moment the thing you fear the most could happen, is what keeps me from being fearless. i don't know how to do that. i trust the Lord for good things, but i also know that doesn't mean bad and hard things won't happen. 
because they will, and i still fear what will happen when they do. 

but recently, the harsh reality that they're coming whether i fear them or not has been helping me, not to become fearless but, to fear LESS. 
because living in that state of fear isn't going to change anything. 
but what will change everything is living each moment in a way that soaks up the goodness that's here right now. 
to live like all of those hard things are right around the corner can either be crippling or the biggest breath of fresh air we can stand. 

so for 2015, this mama's got no resolutions to speak of, but what i do have is a plan to fear LESS and live MORE. to relax my clenched jaw and squeeze my little girls instead. to loosen my tense shoulders and put my arms around my family and friends more often so they know i love them and am so. grateful. for every day i get to be beside them. i don't want to live in fear, but i don't want to put the pressure on myself to be fearless either.. that's an unattainable goal for me, but fearing less is not.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, 
but of power and of love and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7

20 November 2014


i feel like i literally need to dust off this ole blog to put some words here again. we have done more than a lap around the sun since i last put some thoughts to cyber paper, but it's quiet in our apartment so, of course, that means my mind is loud. today was one of those days that was full of the normal highs and lows that come with homemakership (you're welcome for adding that word to your repertoire). here's a glimpse into my stream of consciousness that i offered for my instapeeps this evening.. 

"they are so sweet we're having the best night omg why won't they stop fighting I can't wait for them to go to bed aw they are doing so well playing together they're so funny what in the world are they yelling about now..."

luckily, this day actually included some of those sweeter, fonder thoughts because, honestly, many days do not. many days these girls wear me thin and raw and bring out the literal worst in their mama. i love them more than anything while simultaneously wanting to pull my hair our from frustration and sheer exhaustion. but those taxing moments turn into tender ones and by and by we always end up at bedtime and then the morning brings new mercies. when i melt into my pillow every night i never cease to feel grateful.. because even in the hard moments, i know that's all they are. moments. just like the good ones, they will pass and a new joy or hurtle will be around the corner. it's all fleeting; a truth that becomes more apparent by the second. so, in the midst of the crazy, i'm working to remind myself that the moments are all i have.. are all they have. these girls are with me for a moment, and even the hard ones are worth soaking up. 
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