what we're made of

my mind has been a bit of a whirlwind lately. it just seems like there's always something stirring around in there. i thought it might be good to get out some of these random thoughts. maybe it will help me to really start working on getting to the bottom of them.

one. i used to be much more secure and confident. i think i felt the most sure of who i was in college. not that i didn't grow and change like crazy during those years, but i think i cared a lot less about what other people thought of me, how i looked, what i wore.. things like that. i miss that.

two. i care a lot more about my post-baby body than i thought i would. i think this one goes along with number one in that, overall, i really don't like feeling insecure and critical of myself.. it's not good for my mind and heart and it also spills over into my relationships because i've realized that when i'm hard on myself i'm also more critical of others. no good.

three. it seems like my mood is at times highly controlled by the weather. i wonder if a lot of people feel that way.

four. i was given a book by my best friend whitney called cold tangerines, and in it she writes about spending a lot of time waiting on the person she wants or expects herself to be. i've been thinking about that a lot lately because i definitely do that. there are so many things i wish i were.. more artsy, a better cook, a better friend/wife/mom, more like (insert any number of people's names here who i compare myself to), smarter, calmer, less judgmental.. the list goes on and on. not that i'm saying or thinking that becoming a better version of myself is a bad thing, but i think i spend so much time wishing i were "whatever" that i don't allow myself to be me now and let the better version of myself come out of that.. rather than coming out of how hard i am on me now. that probably makes no sense in writing.

five. why the heck is there so much stuff in this world? i went shopping with my mom and sis-in-love for a few hours on saturday and i was once again astounded by all the stuff there is. it's ridiculous. i've said it once and i'll say it again that all manufacturing could halt and i truly believe that there is enough of everything (well, other than food, i guess) for all of us to live on from here on out. seriously. enough.

six. lately i've had many more questions and doubts about God and my faith in him than i've had answers or strong security. i don't like this feeling. at least the way i've been feeling it. mostly because these doubts and questions have not necessarily been accompanied by a desire to refute them or push hard towards him for comfort and assurance. if anything, it's exhausting and discouraging.

seven. i think i'm realizing that, in general, i need other people a lot more than they need me. i don't really feel very needed. eesh it makes me cry to say that. a lot of this is sounding very "whoa es me", isn't it? that's not my intention.. this is just one of the realizations i've had lately. maybe it's not true, but it feels true. i think i've always felt rather needy, so maybe that explains it.

yea. there's a lot for me to think about here. i have a feeling i'll be coming back to read this post many times in the near future. and once again, i feel like i share way too much here in the blogosphere.. but vulnerability hasn't ever been that difficult for me.. i guess there's good and bad in that.