you will never hear me claim to truly know what i'm doing when it comes to parenting.. i'm trying the best i know how. i ask advice, i try to remain teachable, i pray, i ponder, i challenge myself and bounce things off my husband when i'm confused or frustrated, i try to offer love and correction hand-in-hand, i do my best to hold my tongue at times when all i want to do is scream in frustration, i choose my battles and realize that some things are just better left alone.. but it's hard.
parenting is hard.
i'm sitting here right now so frustrated at my daughter even after she's asleep. and so discouraged because, try as i might, sometimes i just don't know what i'm doing or if our teaching is getting us anywhere. i fully believe that it's nature and nurture. there are tendencies in her personality that i am certain she was born with.. wrong things that i want to help her learn to control, and also good things that i was to cherish and foster so she can be uniquely and beautifully her. but the road is long, the challenges are often, and the rewards come few and far between.
our biggest challenge with her right now is aggression towards other kids.. she pushes, she hits, she sometimes kicks.. and i have no idea why. sometimes, it's provoked, but a lot of the time it's almost like she doesn't know what else to do when she walks up to another kid, so she pushes them. sometimes i wonder if it's an interest in cause and effect.. let's see what reaction i can get out of this kid.. but usually i am simply dumbfounded while i watch her approach and accost a kid. don't get me wrong, it's not like she's pummeling kids or really causing any kind of physical harm at all, but still. what the heck? most parents are very understanding, and even empathetic, offering words of encouragement about how their kids either do or have done the same, but i can't help but continually wonder, "what is going on??" and "how long will this last?".
my current frustration comes out of our evening tonight.. we went to a park with my friend janelle, and had to leave because ruby pushed after i told her we would leave if she did it again (it didn't phase her because she got to "go to naynay's house"). we left her house and went to chick-fil-a and to play with the kids outside in the square at north hills. after one slight pushing incident, i told her if she pushed or hit again we would leave. surpriiise, she did it again. so we left, crying all the way.. and by the time we got to the car for me to explain again why we left, followed by a follow through of the spank i told her she would get for pushing, it's like she's over and forgotten about the entire thing. i wanted to come home and have her understand that i was still mad at and disappointed in her, but there's no way. she's two. she has the memory of a goldfish and i'm only hurting myself when i harbor feelings like this towards her and this situation long after it's over.
like i said, it's hard. and i think what's even harder is the knowledge in the back of my head that tells me this won't be anywhere near the hardest thing we'll face with her. she's two. please. i don't even wanna think about what we'll be facing when she's ten. sixteen. eighteen. twenty-one.
doing my best to, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."
but you know what? that's hard too.