july..

july holds a good bit of change for us, and in the midst of all the madness, i'm sure opening up our laptop to see this bit of extreme cuteness will add an extra smile to my days. hope it does the same for you.

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at it again..

so, since the newest change with us is becoming very official this weekend, i think it's due time to share what's going on. like the title of this post tells you, we're at it again... and by "it" i mean moving. the wednesday before we were set to go to tom and rachel's really fun wedding outside of chicago, daniel got a call from his current regional manager at hhgregg offering him a manager position for a job that had recently and suddenly opened up in the chicago area. an electronic sales manager positon had become available in a new region being started, and russ (daniel's current regional manager (RM) in raleigh who is moving to become one of the RM's in the new chicago region) thought of daniel to fill the job. he told us there was "no pressure" to take it because there were other people that he could ask to go, but that he knew he could trust daniel to do a great job helping to jump-start the region and wanted to give us a chance to think it over. the catch- we needed to decide within the next few days (so, like he said, no pressure). needless to say, our very fun and "relaxing" trip to chicago turned into one that was also a big time of decision, prayer, advice-asking, and adult/married people discussion (and sometimes disagreement/tears, if i'm honest). we coincidentally providentially were routed to drive right through the town we would potentially be moving to, merrillville, indiana. so, with all of my "this cannot be what He has planned for us" thinking, it was hard for me to deny it when something like that was starting the list of "why it could very likely be what we should do" evidence. anyway, we took time that weekend to talk to some friends/family, seek wise counsel (even from a few older/wiser "strangers" at the wedding), and take a look around the town on our way back home. 

after quite a few conversations with various people that went something like this, "i had the opportunity to do something like that earlier in life and am so glad i did" or "i had the opportunity to do something like that earlier in life and think back wondering what would have come out of it if i'd gone", we started thinking that it might be a good opportunity for daniel and a wise move for our family. daniel talked some more options over with russ in the following week, and found out that he was more than willing to help us move back to the raleigh area in a year and a half or two once the region was established and d had the time to hire and train a replacement for himself. once we got that news, we felt a lot more strongly that this could be a good (and also tough) season for us. we decide the thursday after daniel got the initial job offer that he would accept, and the snowball really started rolling after that. daniel has exchanged a lot of emails and phone calls with a relocation company that hhgregg works with, made arrangements with our landlord and family to plan out what the transition time between our current apartment and the next (in indiana!) will look like, and given some exciting and also hard news to a lot of people who we love. 

so, the logistics of our plan (as they stand right now) look something like this:

..we are spending today through sunday in and around merrillville looking for an apartment or house to rent.

..we will go home and pack everything we own and transfer it into a POD that will be taken and stored up here.

..we will move out of our apartment on june 30th and live in d's parents' house (yay for being roomies with them again!).

..daniel, his brother luke, and oldest sister christine, will drive our two cars up here around the 8th of july, and daniel will start working at building from scratch the new store, along with two other managers, around the 15th of july.

..ruby and i will continue to bunk at the mehaffie house until around the end of august (maybe into september). sidebar: i know that sounds like a long time for our family to be apart, but the more we've talked about it, the more we realize that this way of transitioning for us will work much better than us moving up with him only for him to work pretty much non-stop for the first couple months that we are there leaving us, more or less, to fend for ourselves to settle in. we're planning to feel out when things slow down a bit for him, and then ruby and i will fly up and begin our life with d as indianians (is that what they're called?!). thankfully, hhgregg funds at least one trip for him down to nc (or us up to indy) to visit. i know there will be difficulties that come with being apart for that long, but i think it will also be good for ruby and me to transition out of our raleigh life a bit throughout the summer.. we're loving our family, friends, home group, church, journey group, etc. there, and i think rushing out too quickly could be really hard on us. ok, enough about that part of it.. i feel like i'm talking you guys in to thinking it's a good idea or something. :)

so, as far as i know, that's the plan for now. since this transition came pretty much hand-in-hand with our loss (we accepted the final offer for his job the same day we found out about my miscarriage), i feel like i'm just now starting to even wrap my mind around what's going on in this area of our life. i will not deny that i am sad and i know that it'll hit me hard once we're actually up there, but i also for sure see the favor in this happening.  i think there's a ton to be said of how blessed we are that daniel has found a job that he's both good at and loves, and also that his hard work has paid off and been noticed in the short (almost) two years that he's worked there. i also think that after a period of being completely submerged (in a good way) in family and great friends in raleigh for the past couple years, it will be good for us to go back to our california-esque existence of completely having and relying on each other.

ho. ly. mo. ly. this is long. i'm sure there will be many many posts to come that concern this biiig transition. i can't imagine how exited you must be about that. ;)

early father's day..

enjoyed these hopeful, happy, and loving father's day postsecrets tonight.

goodnight. <3

mending..

i mentioned a few posts back that we've got some heavy-ish things going on right now. i suppose that today is as good a day as ever to start more outwardly processing through what's happening. first, i'll share this post that i wrote about a month ago to be pulished a few weeks later:  

"i'm writing this post the day it happened, but you won't be seeing it for another three weeks.. i just don't want to forget what a hard week this started out as and what a good one it has become. by the time y'all are reading this you'll already know that d and i are expecting baby dos, and as excited (and, honestly, shocked) as we were when we found out about baby on april 27th, i've felt much much different this time around than i did with ruby. when i think back to that positive pregnancy test day, i feel like the worries that crept up stand out more to me than anything else. i just couldn't shake the feeling, and the monday after we confirmed the news was the first time i noticed a little blood when i went to the bathroom. my heart sunk, but at the same time i thought, "of course" and sadly, at that moment, assumed that all of my aforementioned worries were coming true. so. sad. how easily defeated, right? and, when the same thing happened that tuesday through friday, i had myself completely convinced walking in to see the midwife with daniel on friday afternoon that they were going to tell us that our seven week-ish old baby had died. i explained what had been going on to lucie (the midwife), and nodded while she assured me that what was happening was normal and that we would take a look inside and see how things were going.. all the while bracing myself for what i knew was going to come. but then i saw it.. the little (i mean, teeny tiny) blip on the screen. the heartbeat. the heartbeat that she said she was surprised we could even see because our baby was only five weeks old. five weeks. which explained everything. the bit of bleeding, the lack of strong pregnancy symptoms. all of it. and in the midst of a time in my life when i've been feeling like i have to fight to feel the presence of God, i knew He cared about me and that He was there. that He knew that i need to see that heartbeat to calm my worried heart, and i wept." 

obviously, you all haven't read that post before now. the reason for that is that we found out about three weeks later that our baby's teeny tiny heartbeat had stopped sometime between our two appointments, and that i would need to have a d&c to remove the "fetal tissue" (as they so lovingly called it). even though we lost our baby, i still wanted to share this post because the joy that we felt that day isn't any less important. i still believe that the Lord sustained us during that time, and that He is doing the same thing while we are on the opposite side of joy. 

on some level, it feels a little strange for me to even be sharing about the miscarriage since it's technically "over", but a lot of the time it doesn't feel like it is. i was telling my friend kalle not long ago that the hardest thing about dealing with this kind of loss (or any loss at all, i'm sure) is that even though you feel "okay" at times, you never know when the sadness from it will come washing over you again. you never know when some completely unrelated situation will bring emotions that overtake and consume you, making you feel, in some ways, completely irrational and confused by your own thoughts and feelings. i had one such instance last night, and told daniel that there are times when i just wish i didn't feel because it would be easier that way.. i wouldn't feel like such a "basket case". of course, this isn't really what i want, i love having feelings, but there are definitely times when they get the best of me. 

a loss like this is also hard because your logical self knows how common it is and that it is in no way the worst kind of tragedy you can go through in the realm of parenthood.. but that doesn't take away from how attached you feel as a mother to someone you literally never knew. i had a really hard time dealing with the very strange things that my hormonal mind thought of in terms of our baby.. the thoughts of it being inside me not alive, wondering how many people i joyfully told that i was pregnant with our baby while, in fact, it had died, being curious and sad about how they "disposed" of it after the d&c procedure. i hated where my mind would go, but i couldn't stop it. it was also difficult knowing that there really wasn't any way that daniel could completely relate to or understand my sadness-- it's just reality that things like this do not affect fathers in the same way that they do mothers. i would sometimes feel bad breaking down again and again, having him hold and console me, all the while knowing that he couldn't even touch emotions that were completely overtaking me. of course, he was supportive and hurting because i was, but my mind went there anyway. 

on the much brighter side, we were and still are extremely grateful for the compassion, sympathy, empathy, generosity, and love that we've gotten from so many around us. there's definite comfort in the midst of trial knowing that someone else can specifically relate to and be sad with you because they have be there. we felt completely surrounded and cared for by our loved ones, and despite any lack of complete understanding, there is a great deal of strength and solidification that comes in a marriage from something so hard (if you allow it). i think, when you hurt together, you love harder. and i'm thankful for those things in the midst of this.

there's another pretty big transition coming up for us as well, but i need to talk to d and make sure when we're going to share it on a larger scale. apart from wanting to share about the miscarriage as a way of remembrance over time for us on our blog, i also wanted to give some insight for others into something "common" but also very difficult for the women and families who go through it. i am so thankful that the reactions and words from our friends and family were never the stereotypical "unhelpful" things that you hear about, but i know that's not always the case for people who go through what we have (and much harder things). after experiencing this hard time, i would say that the most helpful and comforting thing to hear was often, "i really don't know what to say, but we are sad with and praying for you." it's amazing how something so simple can be just what you need to hear.

 thanking Him (and many of you) for a mending heart.

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hard..

you will never hear me claim to truly know what i'm doing when it comes to parenting.. i'm trying the best i know how. i ask advice, i try to remain teachable, i pray, i ponder, i challenge myself and bounce things off my husband when i'm confused or frustrated, i try to offer love and correction hand-in-hand, i do my best to hold my tongue at times when all i want to do is scream in frustration, i choose my battles and realize that some things are just better left alone.. but it's hard.

parenting is hard.

i'm sitting here right now so frustrated at my daughter even after she's asleep. and so discouraged because, try as i might, sometimes i just don't know what i'm doing or if our teaching is getting us anywhere. i fully believe that it's nature and nurture. there are tendencies in her personality that i am certain she was born with.. wrong things that i want to help her learn to control, and also good things that i was to cherish and foster so she can be uniquely and beautifully her. but the road is long, the challenges are often, and the rewards come few and far between. 

our biggest challenge with her right now is aggression towards other kids.. she pushes, she hits, she sometimes kicks.. and i have no idea why. sometimes, it's provoked, but a lot of the time it's almost like she doesn't know what else to do when she walks up to another kid, so she pushes them. sometimes i wonder if it's an interest in cause and effect.. let's see what reaction i can get out of this kid.. but usually i am simply dumbfounded while i watch her approach and accost a kid. don't get me wrong, it's not like she's pummeling kids or really causing any kind of physical harm at all, but still. what the heck? most parents are very understanding, and even empathetic, offering words of encouragement about how their kids either do or have done the same, but i can't help but continually wonder, "what is going on??" and "how long will this last?".

my current frustration comes out of our evening tonight.. we went to a park with my friend janelle, and had to leave because ruby pushed after i told her we would leave if she did it again (it didn't phase her because she got to "go to naynay's house"). we left her house and went to chick-fil-a and to play with the kids outside in the square at north hills. after one slight pushing incident, i told her if she pushed or hit again we would leave. surpriiise, she did it again. so we left, crying all the way.. and by the time we got to the car for me to explain again why we left, followed by a follow through of the spank i told her she would get for pushing, it's like she's over and forgotten about the entire thing. i wanted to come home and have her understand that i was still mad at and disappointed in her, but there's no way. she's two. she has the memory of a goldfish and i'm only hurting myself when i harbor feelings like this towards her and this situation long after it's over. 

like i said, it's hard. and i think what's even harder is the knowledge in the back of my head that tells me this won't be anywhere near the hardest thing we'll face with her. she's two. please. i don't even wanna think about what we'll be facing when she's ten. sixteen. eighteen. twenty-one. 

doing my best to, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

but you know what? that's hard too. 

marriage..

i saw this video posted by rachael, who writes one of the blogs that i told you about the other day, on facebook today and i knew i wanted to share it. i'd say that if you're married, unmarried, hopeful to be married, think that marriage is a cool institution but not for you, or in pretty much any other situation, you should see this. i think it's one of the most beautiful and touching testaments to what marriage could and should look like that i've ever heard.. humble, kind, unselfish, simple, and unwavering. just watching it challenged the heck out of me.. i want so badly to be to daniel what annie was to danny.
i want to light up his life.

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

liking lately..

in the midst of some heavy-ish things going on in our life right now (more on that in a future post, i'm sure), i've been trying to let myself think on lighter things this evening. it seemed like a wishlist/things that i've been liking lately was a good place to go.. so, here they are for you to see.

tina fey. i just think she seems so down to earth and hilarious, and i'm really interested in reading her book. maybe it will be at the library? here's hoping.

the color coral. it's so pretty and summery, and i find myself gravitating lately towards clothing, nail polish, and pretty much anything else coral-colored.

rachael ray's everyday magazine. i've thought about subscribing, but wanted to do a trial run before i did. i bought the latest issue and loved it immediately. tons of good, affordable, and seemingly simple recipes. three good ways to win me over. looking forward to making a fun french toast recipe from it for my hub and rubes in the morning.

these blogs. i've somewhat newly discovered them, and i've found a lot of genuine and encouraging stuff there.  i will admit that sometimes blog following can turn into a big down-on-myself comparison party if i let it, but i feel like these two ladies do a good job of letting the real and dirty in their lives show while also being honest and challenging out of what they're learning and growing in. i'm thankful for the ways that this abstract and often uninspiring interweb can sometimes bring just the amount of goodness that i need.

link

link

unsweet tea and dunkin' donuts iced coffee. ugh, they've become addictions. i'm going to have to buy some decaf coffee and more tea bags because these drive-thru stops are going to start breaking the bank.

this scarf and these earrings. i've pretty sure i'm going to try to fit them into what i'm wearing everyday for the next two months, knowing me. i'm kind of an "i like it and i'm addicted" kind of person when i get something new. probably because it doesn't happen that often. :)

and lastly, this little girl. she probably tests me and drives me crazy as much as she delights me, and that's honestly what i love so much about her. being her mama stretches me in ways that i never thought possible, and i know i need it. i also love that she's suddenly started giving me unrequested hugs, kisses, and "i love you, mommy"s.. seriously, it does not get much better than that.