i want to start off by saying that a few hours after writing yesterday's post i started to feel really self conscious. i was thinking that i had been too forthcoming and vulnerable and that maybe people would read it and think, "dang girl, put it all out there why don't cha." then i started getting responses and i felt overwhelming encouraged. thank you all for the kind and affirming words, and also for appreciating the vulnerability and honesty that i sometimes doubt myself in putting out there. tears came to my eyes while reading every comment.. i think more than anything i was encouraged to make a more conscious effort to express the things i admire and appreciate about people more often. in some ways it's hard and uncomfortable, but it's also really necessary. so i'll be working on that, and thank you guys for helping to give me that desire.

i also wanted to share the book i started reading last night.. and that pretty much knocked me right on my booty just by reading the preface. my struggles with my walk with the Lord are definitely on the top of the list as far as what occupies my mind on a regular basis, and after thinking through things yesterday i really felt like i needed to work harder at getting answers to some of the questions swirling around in my head. so, instead of turning on the tv or logging onto facebook last night i went and took a look on our bookshelf. the title of this book jumped out at me because pursuing God is something i haven't ever really known how (or why) to do. not that i don't see the importance of a walk with Christ, but i think i've always looked more at the strength of my relationship with God in terms of how much stuff i "do" for him and because i'm a christian rather than enjoying getting to know him better and knowing that in doing so i will naturally become who he has plans for me to be. so yea, i had never head of a.w. tozer or this very famous book, but i'm already really interested in what he has to say. i'd love insight from any of you who have already read the book. it seems like it's going to give me a ton to think about.

my mind has been a bit of a whirlwind lately. it just seems like there's always something stirring around in there. i thought it might be good to get out some of these random thoughts. maybe it will help me to really start working on getting to the bottom of them.

one. i used to be much more secure and confident. i think i felt the most sure of who i was in college. not that i didn't grow and change like crazy during those years, but i think i cared a lot less about what other people thought of me, how i looked, what i wore.. things like that. i miss that.

two. i care a lot more about my post-baby body than i thought i would. i think this one goes along with number one in that, overall, i really don't like feeling insecure and critical of myself.. it's not good for my mind and heart and it also spills over into my relationships because i've realized that when i'm hard on myself i'm also more critical of others. no good.

three. it seems like my mood is at times highly controlled by the weather. i wonder if a lot of people feel that way.

four. i was given a book by my best friend whitney called cold tangerines, and in it she writes about spending a lot of time waiting on the person she wants or expects herself to be. i've been thinking about that a lot lately because i definitely do that. there are so many things i wish i were.. more artsy, a better cook, a better friend/wife/mom, more like (insert any number of people's names here who i compare myself to), smarter, calmer, less judgmental.. the list goes on and on. not that i'm saying or thinking that becoming a better version of myself is a bad thing, but i think i spend so much time wishing i were "whatever" that i don't allow myself to be me now and let the better version of myself come out of that.. rather than coming out of how hard i am on me now. that probably makes no sense in writing.

five. why the heck is there so much stuff in this world? i went shopping with my mom and sis-in-love for a few hours on saturday and i was once again astounded by all the stuff there is. it's ridiculous. i've said it once and i'll say it again that all manufacturing could halt and i truly believe that there is enough of everything (well, other than food, i guess) for all of us to live on from here on out. seriously. enough.

six. lately i've had many more questions and doubts about God and my faith in him than i've had answers or strong security. i don't like this feeling. at least the way i've been feeling it. mostly because these doubts and questions have not necessarily been accompanied by a desire to refute them or push hard towards him for comfort and assurance. if anything, it's exhausting and discouraging.

seven. i think i'm realizing that, in general, i need other people a lot more than they need me. i don't really feel very needed. eesh it makes me cry to say that. a lot of this is sounding very "whoa es me", isn't it? that's not my intention.. this is just one of the realizations i've had lately. maybe it's not true, but it feels true. i think i've always felt rather needy, so maybe that explains it.

yea. there's a lot for me to think about here. i have a feeling i'll be coming back to read this post many times in the near future. and once again, i feel like i share way too much here in the blogosphere.. but vulnerability hasn't ever been that difficult for me.. i guess there's good and bad in that.

to try..

call me crazy, but i'd like to try my hand at these..

http://hubpages.com/hub/Homemade_bagel_recipe_Make_great_nadrolled_water_bagels__its_as_easy_as_baking_a_loaf_of_bread

found..

the things people create.. wowzers.

www.booninc.com/squirt.html

ruby tuesday.

the little sweetie enjoying some swinging at grams and grandpa's house. she's closing in on being ten months old, and i'm still amazed by how time is flying. i was talking to daniel the other day about how she is now our indicator of how quickly life and time are passing. these have been the fastest ten months of our lives. every day brings new fun, but also more challenges and ways that we're seeing that parenthood is nothing if not a huge learning process. there are so many questions, what ifs, and inadequacies. i'm constantly thankful for the people around us who we can learn from and for the grace that God is giving us because, although we're her caretakers on this earth, we've ultimately put her life into His hands. i just don't know how people make it through raising a child without the Lord's help. we're so thankful for our little girl. <3

sprung..

here are some blooming things that i have loved seeing lately, and that help me realize that spring has finally sprung!

daffodils.. in my opinion, these are spring's mascot. once they pop from the ground, you know winter's on its way out the door.

dogwood trees.. i love these. nothing brightens up a patch of green forest like these beautiful pink and whites. it always makes me smile to see them starting to bloom.

forsythia.. this is my favorite plant. i think they are so beautiful.. and the fact that they're yellow doesn't hurt a bit.

camilla bushes.. there are a few of these in my mom and dad-in-love's backyard and i think they are one of the most beautiful plants around. they're so perfect looking they almost seem fake. i hope to have a few in the yard that i also hope to have someday. :)

addict..

i am one. an addict that is. and my current poison is law and order: special victims unit. i think i'm realizing that i'm easily addicted to things. they can sometimes take me over.. i find a song i really like and i literally wake up multiple times a night with it playing in my head.. i start to enjoy a show and it's almost like i'm itching for the moment when i can get back to it and see what the characters are up to.. the crafting bug bites me and i want to drop life as i know it to sit at my sewing machine.. i find a book that grabs me within the first few pages and i want to read it non-stop until the end.. i guess in realizing this part of myself it's made me wonder if everyone is inclined to this kind of behavior. are we all easily hooked? if so, do certain things pull us in more quickly or easily than others? are there things we wish we would be drawn into but it never really happens? just some thoughts. i wish i would get addicted to cleaning the bathrooms in our apartment or reading the bible more often. it's a shame that the bible and bathrooms are on the same level for me right now in terms of things i put off doing.. but it's true. i guess that goes back to my post about the lack of discipline i tend to have.. i'm such a work in progress.

i love..

people are so creative.

ruby tuesday.

the girl is making some progress on the walking front. i can't believe how time is flying.