21 July 2009

crisis...

i’m realizing that i don’t know exactly who i am. i’m not sure how many people know exactly who they are, but since college i’ve been at quite a loss when it comes to my identity. i guess i’m seeing that who i have been for most of my life has been wrapped around other people, clubs, activities, churches, and other things that i’ve been involved in or with. since graduating, marrying, moving, and mothering i feel more and more like i’m not sure what defines me. i want to be able to confidently say that i know who i am in Christ and that it's enough for me, but if i said that it wouldn’t be true. i don’t know who i am in Christ- there, that’s the truth. i don’t know my spiritual gifts. i don’t know my strengths in Him or who He’s been trying to make me through all that i’ve been through in my life. i love being a wife, a sister, a daughter, a best friend, a mom, but i don’t want any of those things to be all that i am. i want to know who i am. i want to not compare myself to other people and try to mirror little bits of myself to what i like in others. i don’t want to think that getting a new pair of glasses is going to give me a different image and make me seem more artsy, quirky, cool, or different. i don’t want to care about the clothes i have or wonder what kind of person or personality people assume i have when they see me. i think moving to california was the start of my identity crisis. i think starting over in such a big way like we did moving there can do that to just about anyone- at least that’s what i tell myself. going to a new place to work, being a new wife, starting a new church- it’s just overwhelming knowing that you’re giving a first impression to every single person you meet. knowing that each and every person you run into, work with, church with, talk to, is coming up with their own idea of who you are- especially if you’re not really sure yourself. i don’t think i’m the only person who feels this way. i mean, who doesn’t like to know what someone’s first impression of you was? it does something to us to find that out. i think, in most cases, it changes, at least on some level, how we think of ourselves. i’ve become a pretty firm believer that no one knows you better than someone else. supposedly we’re supposed to know ourselves the best, but i think since being married i’ve really realized that daniel probably knows me a lot better than i know myself. sure, there are things from my past that we haven’t been married long enough for me to have told him yet (stories, quirks, likes, dislikes, etcetera), but as far as who i really am and the things i think about myself as opposed to what’s really true, well, i think he probably knows those better than i do. anyone can say they are who they want to be, but how we operate tells the real story… there’s just no denying that.
so i say all of that to say that i’m trying to figure it out… who i am that is. and i’m trying to motivate myself out of laziness and lack of self discipline to spend more time with the Lord and work harder to find my identity in Him and who He’s created me to be… i just don’t want to waste that. i don’t want to live thinking i’m purposed to be a certain way and miss out on the truth. i just want to be as useful as i can for Him, and confident, so that i can pass that on to my sweet baby girl and the people around me.
so God, please help me. reveal to me through my time with you, your word, and my interaction with others who i am to be in you. what gifts you’ve given me uniquely. the ways i can serve you that others can’t. help me to be useful for you. burden my heart with what is heavy on yours and don’t allow me to go through a day without pricking my heart in some way to seek you on someone’s behalf. literally make my life a vessel that contains your spirit, your mercy, your forgiveness and grace, your patience and passion, and most importantly your love. don’t stop until you’ve got it right. i know it’s a process, but i’m willing and i believe you are too.

Philippains 1:6

and i am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.

1 comment:

whitney said...

I think this is my favorite blog so far :) It's honest, truthful and I guess I just connected with it because I'm going through the same thing..thinking those same thoughts! hmm..maybe it's the best friend in us? We're two 'we don't know who we are' people :) and I'm liking that you're right there with me. Love you, Daniel and Ruby!

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