06 February 2011

flawed..

although i do attempted to add some "saltiness" to the content of my blog, sometimes i find that overall what i include here tends to err on the side of what is flowery and in some ways keeps from showing more of the "realness", you might say, of my life. so, i thought i'd submit some not so favorable tidbits to add some balance..

..sometimes i do not love my place in life right now. i see single/childless free friends around me and envy them at times. parenthood and marriage can be tiring and overwhelming, and i never want to get to the point where i deny that. i don't dwell on these feelings nor do i forget that there are many who want nothing more than a mate and/or child, but nonetheless now and then i really feel like i could use a day off.
..i compare myself more than i should to other people. friends. moms. wives. christians. non-christians. small talkers. crafters. bloggers. child raisers. worker outers. career havers. intellectuals. home owners. debtless folk. wives of regular-hour-working spouses. the list goes on. i often spend more time waiting on who i hope to be than enjoying and appreciating who i am right now.
..sometimes i have roaches in my kitchen and it mortifies me.
..i am yeller. i don't do it all the time and i believe it's something i can and will overcome, but it does happen. sometimes i am much harder on and get more frustrated with ruby than i'd like to, and it breaks my heart and spirit every time.
..i still haven't fully worked through all of the transition that has come during the past few years. i would say that it's made me more fragile emotionally than i'd like to be, but it also makes me self evaluate because if i don't it just ain't pretty.
..i am judgmental. i have more opinions about what other others do than i'd really like to say, and i very often have to ask for God's heart and words towards them because my own need to be put in major check.
..i'm lazy. i lack motivation in a lot of basic areas in my life right now, and i am prone to letting meaningless pastimes keep me from being productive.
..i can be a major nag. sometimes i really don't know how daniel puts up with me.
..i have very little consistency in my walk with the Lord. i doubt a lot, and very often have more questions than answers.
..i deep cleaned our bathroom for the first time last week since we moved into our apartment. in september.

well, there's some of the down and dirty for you. there's more, but there's no need to be excessive. :) like we were talking about at journey group last week, vulnerability is something i so appreciate about others but can at times stray from myself. here's to putting it all out there.

8 comments:

AnniePat said...

awww i think you are lovable. thanks for sharing...you should come over and hang out with us sometime!

Whitney said...

you are so lovable. I love this blog post and relate to most all of them. I love you so much.

Bad Luck Mermaid said...

alinna, you and your heart are beautiful and i love you for it. dirty hands are the only way to get through this life...in my opinion, the best way, too. this runs the risk of sounding pessimistic/cynical but something my mom told me not long ago gives me a lot of 'hope' for people/life/myself: that we're all just broken people doing the best with what we've been given. :) <3

Kara @ Just1Step said...

Very nice post Alinna...thanks for sharing. :) I could connect with a lot of what you were saying. Missing the free life, comparing myself to others, inconsistency in my walk with the Lord...it's all the same over here with me.

Lauren said...

Alinna, I think we are the same person. Every single point (esp the roaches and cleaning the bathroom) were me totally! Thank you for your honesty.

Valentina said...

i love that you are so honest. i love you. i am proud of you for being all the things that you are.

sharon said...

And, all this is what i love about you!

Mandy said...

such a great post. Just getting caught up on google reader! You are amazing

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