09 August 2011

long-distance loving..

lemme preface this post by saying that what i'm feeling in this area is a small drop in a very large bucket compared to a lot of people.. so, please don't forward this post to any of your military spouse friends proclaiming, "she knows just how you feel!".. because i definitely do not.

ruby and i are coming up on a month of living apart from our daddy/hubby, and i've had some t.w.s. (thoughts worth sharing :)) about what this time has been like/done for our family. i have to say that i am a firm believer in the whole "distance makes the heart grown fonder" figure of speech. i had a hard time at first knowing that daniel and i would be apart for anywhere from a month and a half to two months. not only because, well, we'd be apart, but also because i was afraid of how people would view us doing that. i felt like other wives would judge me for not "standing by my man" and being there to support him in the move from day one. i was afraid that people would think i was weird for wanting to live with daniel's parents for that long, and wonder what could possibly be so pressing here (or scary about being there) that would make us stay behind for such a considerable time after he left. i was afraid that i was gonna funk things up for ruby by transitioning her not only once, but twice, after moving out of our apartment in raleigh. i was afraid that i was clinging too much to being here and just delaying the inevitable on some unconscious level. i wondered if on some level we were unknowingly, but intentionally, separating ourselves during such a tumultuous and difficult time of transition so that we could avoid some of the initial confrontation that inevitably (at least in our experience) comes with a big move like this. maybe we, without even really realizing it, wanted to be separate from each other for awhile during all of this. i'm sure you're thinking.. "over-analyze much, alinna?" :) but really, it was a big and hard decision for us, and we didn't truly know how we'd feel about it until we were actually doing it and living day to day apart from each other. 

so, i say all of that to say where i'm at with things now, and also why i'm thankful that this is what we went with in the end. being apart from daniel has, indeed, made my heart grown fonder for him. i miss my husband. i am more ready than i ever thought i'd be to be settled in chicago because i want to be with him, despite all that's going to come with the transition. i've shared with a few friends how daniel and i have noticed in our 3ish years of married life that an easy rut for us to fall into is sometimes living at roommates instead of life-mates and lovers. in our experience, it's sometimes difficult to keep the hard, real, and day to day of life from making us live around instead of with each other. but. this time apart has gotten me far and away from that rut. i miss him. i want him. and i can't wait to live life with each other in just a few short weeks. i'm so looking forward to settling into a new apartment, town, routine, church, relationships, and all the rest of it again. i feel so filled up from these past couple years in raleigh submerged in and surrounded by family and great friends, and i feel ready to take on this next phase with daniel and ruby. don't get me wrong, i'm sad. i'm scared. i'm already feeling a little bit of the exhaustion that i know will come with getting to know (and like) new people. i'm already planning out how i want our new apartment to be set up, and wondering where i'll get my hair cut, oil changed, groceries from, and how i'll survive in all of that SNOW. but those blows all feel a little more lessened with each day that passes and each little tingle of tears i feel in my eyes when i think of my sweet love up there without us. 

this long-distance loving is just what we needed, 
and i'm thankful that He knew that and laid out the path 
for us before we even knew what was happening.


Kara @ Just1Step said...

This is a beautiful post, Alinna. You put so many things into words that are hard to articulate...like how it's easy to fall into the rut of living as roommates instead of life-mates and lovers. It's a constant battle to remember to keep your marriage as your #1 priority (after God) and to keep the spice going. I hope your last few weeks here are memorable, and that your move and transition goes as well as possible.

Kelsey said...

You made me laugh about the military spouse thing. It doesn't matter how often or for how long, being apart is just plain hard. It does make the heart grow fonder and that is the best part of it! good luck in your big move!

Mandy said...

such a cute post! Love all the good reminders it brings and so happy you are feeling better about your move soon!

Becky said...

Thanks for letting us see your heart. I can completely empathize with you in this post. I know the difficulty of being apart, of being scared to go, of wondering what others are thinking and simultaneously having the excitement of knowing that you're going some place new to live life together again. Praying for this transition, excited for you guys and can't wait for our next time to catch up! Love you!!

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