saturday..

do you ever get that tight feeling inside? like everything is all jumbled up or stretched too far? i've had that feeling for the past couple days.. anxious or preoccupied.. i guess i don't really know the best way to describe it. like when i'm resting i'm not even still because i feel like my mind is going a mile a minute. i don't really know why or what's making me feel like this, but i needed a minute to get it out there somehow.. to try and figure it out or calm it down by writing and venting. maybe i feel cooped up? i've had some things to do this week, but i feel like it's been awhile since i've had a really good time of communication with anyone.. i mean, i talk to people all the time but it seems like it's been a long time since i've processed what i feel about life and what's going on with mine. i almost feel like my mind and heart haven't even completely processed life since ruby was born and we moved back to the east coast. it seems like all i did while we were in california was process life.. usually by venting and crying to daniel or anyone else who would listen (including those of you who read this blog :)), but since we've been back in north carolina it almost feels like i've been coasting. like i've been pushing back feeling life because i'm more comfortable here and i just needed a rest from all of the feeling i did during the first year and some of marriage. so maybe this tightness is just me starting to feel and process again? realizing that even though we're back in a familiar place and closer to family i still have a desire for community and that feeling of belonging that i longed for while we were in california (something that was starting to come together right around the time that we moved back). on sunday, our pastor passed out little slips of paper that said "who am i?" and asked people to fill them out. daniel and i got there too late to do it, but i was so moved while he was reading people's answers. mostly because a lot of them said things like, "i don't know", "broken", and "?". it just felt strange and sad to be in a room full or people, all of us needing something and desiring to be known, and only getting a glimpse into that part of one another because of what was written anonymously on a tiny piece of paper. i just wanted to stand up and shout "let's help each other! let's figure out who we are by getting to know one another.. let's stop coming here every sunday feeling anxious, broken, lonely, and full of questions that no one ever knows are there." i just feel like we all have so much going on inside of us that no one takes the time or goes out on a limb to find out.. because, yes, it's uncomfortable to ask where people really are. and it's hard to go past the surface at first, but it feels so so great once it happens. i'm writing this and every word's directed at myself.. because i want these things from others, but more than that i want to give them. i want to be more intentional. and i believe that in doing so this tightness will loosen.. because it seems like whenever i feel the worst it's because i'm spending too much time thinking about myself.