Ever since I was a little boy, I have always wanted to know the "plan." When we took family vacations I eagerly wanted to know when and where we were going to stop along the way. When plans were altered I would not be a "happy camper", as they say. Which brings up another point about me: I am moody and can be cranky as well. We'll save that for another blog as I haven't yet realized anything revolutionary from being moody. Back to knowing the plan, God continues to tell, or rather show me He's the one with the plan.
I recently had a couple job interviews which I did not get. I thought God was opening a door for me to get a better job so that I might be able to better provide for my wife and child. Not getting job after job, I was questioning God's plan for my life and wondering if there was any rhyme or reason. Idiot. This is a perfect picture of how little we see of His big picture. He is the potter that etches away at us, the clay, to make us into the people he ultimately wants us to be. He shapes and redirects me through trials. I can picture him molding and shaping me into something so beautiful. I put "ugly" or impurities upon his attempt at creating this perfect image by sinning and not following the will he has laid upon my life. He is the perfecter of the image I have stained. He is trying to move me in the right direction by chiseling away at my creation. My trials hurt as He painfully chisels my body, although this pain is what grows me. I hopefully become a better person because of his blows against my body. I love coming to the realization of his blows and seeing that they are meant for good. I see why he doesn't want me to have the jobs I've applied for. I wondered, if he were a good God, why would he not want to allow me to get a job that will enable me to provide for my wife and child? I now see that he wants me to be a stay-at-home dad. If only he would have shown me earlier. (Just kidding about the last part.)
God's timing is perfect. God blessing Alinna and me with a little girl right now couldn't have been more perfect. Looking back at the past year, it makes sense. I can't see what's going on with job stuff, but I know that Alinna and I have endured so much during our first year of marriage that Ruby is going to be our little gift at the one year anniversary of our marriage. I can't really find the words to say to express how all the transition thus far in marriage has led us to be able to adapt to having a baby. I'll probably write again about this, but for now I encourage every newly married couple to welcome this transitional phase of life with arms wide open.
Going on with job stuff...it has been painful to hear that "I'm not a good fit" for a particular position that I know full well I would rock out, but God has other plans that I need to realize I don't understand right now. I know a year from now we will look back and see the bigger picture for what God had in store for us and it will all make sense. Socrates had it right when he said, "I know that I know nothing." The beauty is that God knows. We must continue to take his blasts on our body/character/lives/etc. as something that is painful for the time being but will hopefully produce righteousness later on, if and only if we follow him and abide by His will.
14 April 2009
21 February 2009
a saturday...
i haven't tested out the picture posting feature, so i'm going to try that now.
okay, i think that worked. that's me and rubes (aka ruby) at 25 weeks (just a week over 6 months). it's an attempt at a self portrait since d was at work. things are still going great with the pregnancy thus far, and the doctor continues to say that everything looks and sounds (as in her heartbeat) great, so we're praying things will stay on that track. it's still extremely surreal, and even moreso now that i can not just feel her moving but actually SEE it sometimes as my stomach moves and wiggles with just about every move she makes. we for sure still have so many decisions still left to make regarding things after she's born, such as work, daycare, money etc., so i'm sure the next few months will have their fair share of long conversations and lots of plans. i've really been praying a lot lately that God would help both daniel and i to trust in him even when it's the last thing we think might help. it's not that i don't believe in His faithfulness, because i truly feel that i do, but at times it honestly doesn't seem to help when your human mind can't at all see a layout for how things will be able to come together. sometimes i wonder if there are those people who never struggle with blind faith and just walk through life knowing so deeply that He has them in His hand that worry isn't even an issue... maybe there are those out there who have that ability, but for me it's honestly a conscious decision and often even a discipline to bring myself to a point of calming my mind and spirit when so many thoughts and worries start to flood in. i think the main thought that i've had since i can remember when it comes to His provision is that yes, i love the Lord and do my best to live in His will and shape my life according to His Word but i can't seem to keep my mind from the realization that there are those in this world who love Him and live for Him much better (to measure it by my human standards) than i do and they have nothing. they may live on the street, live paycheck to paycheck barely making ends meet, be on welfare, go nights and days without eating, or any other variation of need that you can think of. all i'm saying is that it's hard for me to think, "well i love the Lord and He knows what i need therefore He'll provide." i do believe that He'll provide, i'm just saying that isn't there also always the reality that the provision He promises might look very different from what we think it should or would like it to? not to say that i think daniel and i will ever end up on the street or with absolutely nothing, because well frankly we have too many people who love and look out for us for that to happen (which of course is a blessing and form of provision from God in itself), but i do think that there is definitely a chance that we may never get to a point in life where we live in a state of "provision" that means we are able to live as comfortably or stably as we might desire. i'm sure this sounds so pessimistic and might even make it sound like i really don't trust God at all, but please believe that i do. it's just that it's possible for me to see so many layers, possibilities, and ways that our own assumptions about Him can skew what God is saying to us in matthew 6:31-34...
okay, i think that worked. that's me and rubes (aka ruby) at 25 weeks (just a week over 6 months). it's an attempt at a self portrait since d was at work. things are still going great with the pregnancy thus far, and the doctor continues to say that everything looks and sounds (as in her heartbeat) great, so we're praying things will stay on that track. it's still extremely surreal, and even moreso now that i can not just feel her moving but actually SEE it sometimes as my stomach moves and wiggles with just about every move she makes. we for sure still have so many decisions still left to make regarding things after she's born, such as work, daycare, money etc., so i'm sure the next few months will have their fair share of long conversations and lots of plans. i've really been praying a lot lately that God would help both daniel and i to trust in him even when it's the last thing we think might help. it's not that i don't believe in His faithfulness, because i truly feel that i do, but at times it honestly doesn't seem to help when your human mind can't at all see a layout for how things will be able to come together. sometimes i wonder if there are those people who never struggle with blind faith and just walk through life knowing so deeply that He has them in His hand that worry isn't even an issue... maybe there are those out there who have that ability, but for me it's honestly a conscious decision and often even a discipline to bring myself to a point of calming my mind and spirit when so many thoughts and worries start to flood in. i think the main thought that i've had since i can remember when it comes to His provision is that yes, i love the Lord and do my best to live in His will and shape my life according to His Word but i can't seem to keep my mind from the realization that there are those in this world who love Him and live for Him much better (to measure it by my human standards) than i do and they have nothing. they may live on the street, live paycheck to paycheck barely making ends meet, be on welfare, go nights and days without eating, or any other variation of need that you can think of. all i'm saying is that it's hard for me to think, "well i love the Lord and He knows what i need therefore He'll provide." i do believe that He'll provide, i'm just saying that isn't there also always the reality that the provision He promises might look very different from what we think it should or would like it to? not to say that i think daniel and i will ever end up on the street or with absolutely nothing, because well frankly we have too many people who love and look out for us for that to happen (which of course is a blessing and form of provision from God in itself), but i do think that there is definitely a chance that we may never get to a point in life where we live in a state of "provision" that means we are able to live as comfortably or stably as we might desire. i'm sure this sounds so pessimistic and might even make it sound like i really don't trust God at all, but please believe that i do. it's just that it's possible for me to see so many layers, possibilities, and ways that our own assumptions about Him can skew what God is saying to us in matthew 6:31-34...
"So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."
i guess, if anything, He just wants us to trust and seek Him (and not worry), and that does seem simple enough doesn't it? i guess it's just in my humanness to make it so much more complicated than it is.
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