what we're made of..

romans 8:6..

2012-01-07T17:07:00.000-08:00

just sharing my memory verse for this week. having it in my head and heart has been blessing and challenging me.. hopefully it can do the same for you.

[i hope i don't make any of you feel discouraged about your normal state around the house by how fancy i look in this video.. i'm usually much more laid back.] :)

sashes..

2012-01-04T07:43:00.000-08:00

there's a lady in my life who's my friend, but i kind of feel like a weirdo whenever i talk about her being one because we've never actually met. sounds stalkerish, right? really though, i think she'd say the same about me.. we're blogosphere friends, but hopefully we can take it to the next level someday and actually meet. what a concept. :)

she's jessi, from naptime diaries, who i've actually mentioned here before because she's in the line-up to do a guest post here in the near-ish future.. but i'm bringing her up again because she and a friend of hers in columbia, south carolina have a project together called sashes to the merchants. it's all about connecting, promoting, and encouraging women who have businesses, blogs, shops, and the like in their endeavors to create and offer their wares to uplift others and provide for their families. sounds pretty awesome, right?

head on over and take a look at what they've got going on there, and while you're at it, enter their "getting to know you" giveaways happening daily this week. it's a win-win, folks!

happy wednesday to you.

the list..

2012-01-03T08:47:00.000-08:00

i had a little time to myself at a well-known coffee house yesterday to do a bit of reading and reflecting. i've thought about and wanted to make a goals list for this year ahead, and that's one of the things i was able to accomplish during my couple of hours. i thought i'd share here.. for memory's sake, and also for a bit of accountability. so here you have it.

the list. twenty-twelve.

..work to improve and strengthen our marriage through more intentional conversation, servanthood, a commitment to intimacy, and seeking the Lord as the center.
..work to be a more patient, sacrificial, and intentional parent and focus on teaching ruby more about the Lord.
..read at least six books.
..have another baby and be patient with the Lord's timing in that area.
..find a small group through our church.
..workout at least three days a week, and be up to five days by the end of the year.
..get better at self-evaluation and retrospection - take time to see how i'm doing before hitting bottom.
..set and stick to a realistic budget.
..get better at sending birthday/anniversary/just because cards.
..plan our week before it starts (things to do on d's days off, who gets to sleep in and have "me" time on certain days, date nights planned in advance).
..blog at least once a week.
..memorize at least one verse of scripture a week.

it was really exciting and challenging for me to work out this list yesterday, and the various things on it have been on my mind all day today.. which i'm hoping is a good sign! it was also encouraging to pray and commit them to the Lord after writing them down, feeling confident that he will impress on me to add to or take away where he sees fit - i'm so thankful that he's even more concerned about the well-being of my marriage, my parenting, my relationships, and my body and spirit than i am.
---------------------------------

and lastly, here is my memory verse for the week.

romans 8:6
the mind of sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the spirit is life and peace.

i've been reading through romans suuuper slowly but, i must say, every time i go back to where i left off, be it a day, week, or month later, whatever i read just feels so timely.. i read part of romans 8 last night, and knew right when i put the "memorize at least one verse of scripture a week" on the list, that this would be this weeks verse. i feel like pretty much all of the goals i have for this year come down to needing a mind controlled by the spirit.. i especially love how the mind controlled by the spirit is not only characterized by "life" but that "peace" is also added in there. who doesn't want more peace? well, probably terrorists, but i'm not really using them as a model here. really though.. peace. peace peace. let's push, work, and strive to have this be a year filled with peace in all the areas of our life. ready... go.

happy new year!

you never know..

2011-12-02T19:34:00.001-08:00

i was reading something the other day (and of course, right now i can't remember what), and it started me thinking about how much we are unaware of, and how unaware we are of that fact. is that the most confusing sentence you've ever read? thought so.

really though, think about how many things in your life you never saw coming.. maybe even some that you are in the midst of and thinking, "how did this start?" you might think i'm talking about negative things, and in some instances maybe that's true, but overall i mean the good. the good and unexpected things in life that you never saw coming. that were possibly unfolding without you really even knowing it. that stranger you met who ended up being a friend forever, those words you said or little tradition you started with your child that will turn into one of their greatest memories, that baby growing inside you/your wife that neither of you realize is there yet, that unusual route you took to work this morning that kept you from getting in an accident, that scripture you stopped just before because you'll need it at the exact moment you start their next time, that person who the Lord is leading to bless you in a way they couldn't have known about without His leading.. there's just so much.

so, what do we do with that? operating under the assumption that we'll remain unaware, how do we live life differently? how do we appreciate those things that we don't even know are happening? i guess it has to come down to cultivating an awareness of being unaware. working to realize that we are constantly walking through and living in situations that we'll only either be able to look back on with awe and realization or never know about at all. what a holiness there is to life when we strive to remember and appreciate something so abstract and beyond our control.

who's it for?

2011-11-01T15:57:00.000-07:00

lately, i've been questioning a lot of the things that i want for ruby at this stage in her life, and asking myself whether they are for her good or mine. i understand that there is a balance here.. i don't want to do things solely for her and ignore myself, or vise versa. we spend nearly all of our time just the two of us, and i want our days, routines, and practices to be for both of our best.
one thing that this new question is causing me to reevaluate is the potty learning process. ruby had that down pat before we moved from raleigh.. she was not wearing a diaper at all while we were home, except for at nap and nighttime, and it started out this way when we first moved up to indiana. recently, she has completely backtracked in this area... as in, going anywhere but in the potty almost constantly, and really starting to seem frustrated with the process. i was starting to get frustrated as well, and felt myself wanting to force her into something it was looking more and more like she wasn't really ready for. these are the times in mommy-hood where i feel a lot of inner conflict.. am i going to mess her up by putting her back in diapers after all this time of working towards being potty trained? she seems so much older than she is because of how well she can talk and how smart she is.. are people going to judge me when they see me out in public with this seemingly very old (in fact, only 2 1/2 year old) child and wonder why she's still in diapers? how am i even going to know when she is ready.. it's not like i've ever done this whole parenting thing before. so, in the end, it came down to, who am i trying to do this for? solely for her benefit because it seems like something she's ready for and capable of, or for mine because i care about what other people think and feel like she should be ready? and when i realized that the latter was the true driving force now that she is showing less interest and ability and more frustration, i knew it needed to be put on hold for awhile.

another area is napping.. oh naps. so much of me feels like i need for her to nap everyday. it's my "me" time, and when three or four days went by a few weeks ago and she wouldn't nap, i kind of had a panic attack. i tried to start forcing her to nap and disciplining her when she wouldn't, and then that question started popping in my mind, "who's it for?" if i can see it written all over her that she's just not tired and doesn't need a nap for a week straight, or ever again, then i need to realize that we can and should shape our days (and my sanity) around that.. because me getting overwhelmed trying to make napping happen when i'm clearly fighting a losing battle, instead of spending my energy thinking of alternatives to the usual "sleeping time", only breaks us both down. i saw that her nap time was becoming more about me than about her.. about time that i wasn't willing to give up even when it was better for my little girl.

so, that's the new mental mantra for this mama.. "who's it for?" and i'm seeing that extend in my heart towards other areas of my life as well. i so long for my often completely "me centered" mentality to be shifted and reformed, and although it can be so hard at times, i know that it is also so good.

create in me a clean heart, o God, and renew a right spirit within me.

psalm 51:10

this girl..

2011-10-14T07:24:00.000-07:00

..makes me so proud and surprised every day.
..stretches and adds perspective to areas in my life that would otherwise mostly like remain untouched.
..brings an ease to days that would normally seem hard, long, and lonely.
..made daniel and i parents, and teaches us more about what that means everyday.
..makes time seem to go by so fast, and so slow, simultaneously.
..helps me not to take myself so seriously
..consistently helps change for the better how i see other people, myself, my purpose, my attitude, my marriage, her daddy, my worries, my joy, and my God.
..can, somehow, make me feel every extreme emotion on a daily (and even hourly) basis.
..on a day like today, when i found myself questioning and doubting myself as a wife and stay-at-home mama, spoke truth in an honest and intentional way just by putting her little hand on my back and saying, "you're a good mommy".
..is the best surprise and biggest blessing i've ever been given.

ruby girl,
i'll love you forever
i'll like you for always
as long as i'm living
my baby you'll be.

ready, set, sew..

2011-10-13T10:29:00.000-07:00

i know, my corniest post title yet. but seriously, i'm ready to get this sewing show on the road after this uh-mazing goodwill find yesterday. i finally have ~~a little~~ enough space in this apartment to have a small sewing table, but it's been hard finding one. i didn't want to just get something quick and new that was most likely going to be more expensive and less quality than i wanted, so i kept holding out. i've been scanning local craigslist and thrift stores as i've had time, but nothing's really shown up.

but, during a few errands with rubes yesterday, something compelled me to stop into goodwill to look for some more cold weather clothes for all of us.. needless to say, i feel completely unprepared for the winter weather that's right around the corner in our new state. anyway, right before we left i thought to walk down the "furniture aisle" (that was mainly composed of a few broken/dirty chairs and a light-up snowman), and then i saw this..

a twenty dollar sewing table. for realio?! i literally couldn't believe it. a couple kind ladies stopped to give a little assistance when they saw me trying to both figure this thing out and corral rubes, and they kept going on and on about what a great find it was. it's nice wood that will someday get a good sanding and fresh coat of some cute-colored paint, but for now, it's just what i need.. small, plenty of storage, and doesn't break the bank. the top opens to form a long, flat tabletop extension, and it's made for the machine to fold down inside.. at some point i'd love to have it adjusted so mine will fit in there, but for now it'll stay on top (on the bright side, i get to use the sewing machine cover again that i made while we were in cali).

when the right side is opened, it exposes this nifty and awesome thread holder that raises and lowers out of the desk.

and the top drawer has a fun little bobbin/thread holder.

in case you can't tell, i am so so thankful for this find.. and i have the bruises on my upper arms and thighs from carrying it up two flights of stairs on my own to prove it. i know, i'm out of my mind.

now to find a sweet little chair, and we're in business.

apart from sharing the details of the desk, i do want to encourage you that it almost always pays off to hold out and do a little leg work to find something you'd really like to have, rather than taking the "easy route" and buying something new and more expensive. it's harder, because there's not that rush of instant gratification, but i'd wager that the rush of an awesome and well earned deal is a much better feeling.

ok, thanks for listening to my ramblings. enjoy your thursday, and three cheers to buying second-hand! :)

cover up..

2011-10-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

i finally broke out my sewing machine from its hiding place to do a little recovering of our couch pillows. i felt like there was wayyy to much brown/tan/formal-ish-ness (can you tell i made that word up??) going on for my taste.

before.

after.

you can't totally tell because of the lighting, but the front pillows are a coral, slightly ribbed fabric and the back pillows are navy and a very (i just accidentally typed "vally" instead of "very" there.. sister on the brain :)) light cream. i had all of the fabric on hand, and i'm constantly amazed by how much goodness there is in my fabric stash. a lot of that is thanks to my mama, so, "thanks mama!". :)

i like the change a lot. i think it fits our homey and eclectic style.. the floral was just not cuttin' it.

and, yes, i am aware that our couch is crazy tiny. it's very comfy and structured though (not to mention, it was an awesomely priced craigslist find!), so we're hoping that at some point, when we have a bigger place, it will act as a "love seat" of sorts and we'll have a full-sized couch. work in progress, baby!

so, there you have it. here's hoping that this crafting streak continues... i'm thinking it will since there was a fun and total blessing of an addition to our home today that should help more sewing take place. i'll share the details of that soon!

photo challenge part two..

2011-10-05T12:59:00.000-07:00

day two: what you wore today.

luckily this was a combo d-is-off-work and church day."real" clothes like this are not my norm, but sometimes there's nothing that lifts your spirit quite like fall colors and looking cute for your man.

day three: clouds.

it's hard to photograph clouds when there are literally none in the sky for three days straight.. and i am not complaining.

day four: something green.

one of my favorite things.. a clock from my mama.

day five: from a high angle.

a print hanging in our kitchen that rubes and i are working on memorizing during mealtime.. i can't even tell you how cute it is to hear her try and say "admirable" and "praiseworthy".

ok, still at it, as you can see. here's to the next twenty-five.
also, i just read up a little online and learned how to get bigger pictures on the blog. feel free to give feedback if you think they look a little too "comin' atcha", but until i hear otherwise, i think i like it!

spilled milk..

2011-10-04T21:18:00.000-07:00

i'm sure you all know the saying, "don't cry over spilled milk". well, it sounds like kind of a silly and perhaps unrelateable figure of speech unless you're like me and actually do cry over spilled milk.

i went to something called mom2mom today at a church here in indiana that we've visited a couple of times. it was great, and i'm super thankful for the way that even things falling into place for me to find that ministry shows provision from the Lord.. during the group time, the "mentor mom" talked some about this verse:

But we all, with unveiled face beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are transformed into the same image from glory to glory, even as from the Lord the Spirit.

2 Corinthians 3:18

we talked about whether or not we really believe that we're made in God's image and reflect His glory. i shared that i definitely think that i believe it in my head, but that my hearts needs to catch up with that. that a lot of times "knowing" that i'm made in His image just tends to make me more hard on myself when i really botch things. that on a day when daniel is gone for more than fourteen hours working, the kitchen is literally a disaster area from dinner the night before, ruby only takes a thirty minute nap and breaks my favorite necklace, and at the end of it all, when i literally cry over the entire cup of milk she spills onto the kitchen floor, walls, rug (you get the picture), i start thinking, "i definitely don't feel so 'made in His image' right now and maybe that saying isn't so hard to relate to after all."

but then i hope that just recognizing my fallen-ness, taking a deep breath, apologizing to rubes for getting so worked up over a mess, and asking Him for help with reacting better the next time means that maybe i'm becoming more like Him than i give myself credit for.. and i start to think that spilled milk must be a bigger deal than we give it credit for if somebody sometime thought it was worth mentioning.

{source}

taking the challenge..

2011-10-01T19:59:00.000-07:00

i got an idea from my fun friend, becky, who got an idea from the addictive site, pinterest. so, i'm taking the challenge.. the photo challenge, that is. i'll post the daily pictures on here at least once a week, if not a little more often. fun fun.

here's a little listy-poo to keep track of what's coming up.

{source}

day one: self-portrait.

a little late night important paper filing. this is how everyone spends their saturday nights, right??

new obession..

2011-09-30T20:47:00.000-07:00

yarnwreathing.. that's what i'm calling it. i've liked them for awhile, and now that i've finally gotten around to making one, i don't know that i'll be able to stop. just leave your orders in the comment section. :)

really though, it's fun and pretty mindless.. a perfect late night, kidlet-is-in-bed, activity while watching my other new obsession, late night with jimmy fallon.

here's my finished product.

i went for a simple approach just to get my feet wet, and i was only using supplies i had on hand. once i start sifting through some more thrift stores, i'm sure i'll find endless possibilities.

if you're interested in yarnwreathing yourself, or anything else in the world ever for that matter, pinterest is a great place to go for inspiration.. and hours upon hours of addictive "repin"ing.

also, how cute is this little baker? she was very excited when i asked if she wanted to make a PUMPKIN pie for daddy. she kept putting emphasis on the pumpkin part. what a fun (albeit often exhausting) companion on d's long workdays. God knew what He was doing when He gave us that surprise baby (almost) two and a half years ago.

AWESOME.

2011-09-29T14:05:00.000-07:00

saw this one man band on ellen. uh-mazing. dear bernhoft, please make a cd.

crafty minute..

2011-09-27T09:47:00.000-07:00

i felt the crafting bug bite last night, but never got around to doing anything. so, since we didn't have anything planned this morning, i let ruby have some playtime so that i could plug into an outlet that i don't take time for often. i think it was a nice break for both of us.. we're together a lot during these busy workdays for d, so i'm sure she needs a break from me just as much as i do from her after awhile.

thankfully, she did a little of this..

while i did a little of this.. you know it's a good gift when you want to keep it for yourself! hoping this makes my friend's day when it shows up in her mailbox.

ok, break's over.. time to tackle the day with this fun girl.

p.s. pattern from here.

workin' it..

2011-09-24T12:38:00.000-07:00

well, more like workin' on it. i'm realizing that i feel, not unlike most people i'm sure, that a move to a totally new place brings a lot of chances to make change. i've noticed myself both purposefully, and even not so purposefully, shifting some things, so i figured i'd take a minute to share and document for a little accountability.

one. i've started working out. wha-wha-what?! yes, you read that right. it's happened for three days in a row; which is a conquest in itself for me. we now have a "family membership" to the YMCA just .6 miles from our apartment, and ruby and i have been there twice in the past three days. she gets to socialize (a.k.a. do her best not to tackle) kids in the kidzone (catchy name, right?), and i get up to three hours (holy moly, i doubt i'll ever use that much time) to work out. the first day, i had a thirty minute run/walk session on the treadmill before taking a core pilates class (which i liked a lot, by the way). new development, my knees cannot handle running. i kept trying to ignore/be in denial about the irritation i was feeling during the running portions of my time on the treadmill, but the uncomfortable achiness (blogger tells me this is not a word) i felt that night and the next day confirmed it.. i don't have strong knees (are strong knees even a thing?). so today, i cycled for 30 minutes and then stretched for awhile. i had a bit of momentary insanity during my stretching when i thought, "i can see why people get addicted to working out". i literally "LOL"ed at myself after i thought it.. this coming from the person who had to will herself out the door to get there. but hey, at least i know that attitude is in there somewhere, right? oh, and the third workout day comes from doing some netflix yoga last night before bed.

two. portion control. i made a conscious decision the other day to limit myself when it comes to snacking. don't get me wrong, i'm still snacking, i'm just not bringing the entire bag of chips or bowl of puppy chow to the couch with me.. i've started filling up a little ramekin with a reasonable amount of my snack of choice to help both satisfy my craving and keep overloading at bay. i know this is sort of a random one to share, but it's a somewhat big change for me so, there it is.

three. coooooooooooking more. we, as a family, fell into a somewhat large eating out rut before we left raleigh. daniel's hours are so nontraditional, our kitchen was tiny and hard to function in, but overall, we were just lazy and unwise when it came to cooking and spending that money. d and i have a huge desire for this time (however long it ends up being) in indiana to be a productive and profitable one for our family and future.. we will literally be kicking ourselves if we come away from it having paid off no debt and without a bit (hopefully a big bit) of savings. i know that one of the biggest shifts that will translate into those other changes is more home-cooked meals and resisting those extremely tempting nights out for dinner. i do have to say that smoking being allowed in restaurants in this state is a huge help in that area.. ick.

four. working to cultivate a more gentle tongue and patient spirit towards d and r. i will admit it wholeheartedly.. sometimes i can be a real "b". yep, that's right. i can have such a short fuse and be a great big cranky pants sometimes. i know that these times are very unbecoming of me and are teaching unhealthy and sinful ways to my daughter. on top of that, as much as daniel works and as many poor attitudes as he deals with on a daily basis, the last thing i want to do it be another one that he walks in the door to at night. and it's hard. it's often easier to want to make my "position known" in an unproductive and hurtful way, instead of taking a deep breath and asking for help. it's hard to clean up the same mess for the twenty-first time that day, and to speak calmly to a two year old who is loosing her ever-loving mind. but i know i can do it, and i know that He will help if i keep asking and trying. so, here's to that.

and five. thrifting. i've been a lover of thrift and yard sale shopping for quite a long time, but i've been a lover of target for that long too. but get this, people have yard sales from thursday through sunday here in indiana. what the what? so, i'm trying to buy less stuff new and spend more time combing through things people don't want to get what we need (and want). it saves money, and oh the thrill it brings.

well, there they are.. the works in progress. feel free to ask how they're going! i need all the help i can get.

so, no picture with this post, but maybe all

of the (parenthesis) i used will make up for it?

kitchen tour..

2011-09-22T12:49:00.000-07:00

here's a little picture tour of the kitchen in our crown point home. although it's not really any bigger than the kitchens at our three other apartments, something about the layout makes it a lot more functional for me. i'm so thankful for this (as are d & r, i'm sure) because i'm in there (and enjoying it) a lot more often than i was in the other kitchens. that keeps us well fed and out of restaurants. win, win.

view from the hallway.. it's organized, somewhat cluttered, chaos.. just how i like it. :)

pot rack and bread shelf both from my mama's house.. thankful she's willing to pass on things to me that help with organization in our small living spaces. even though it takes up a lot of room, we keep a highchair for rubes in the kitchen as well as in the (carpeted) dining room. she has her (often messy) breakfast in here with me while i tidy up the kitchen in the morning.

this is my first experience cooking on a gas stove, and just like my mom said, i love it. quick, even heat.. expect for the broiler. i've burnt the bagels every time!

a little spot for some favorite (and somewhat useful) things. a kitchen cat from daniel's gammmie, as well as the birdie s&p shakers. secret smartie stash when i'm in need of bribery or a treat reward for rubes, and an old butter urn and potato chips tin from my mom, as well. these are the kinds of things that keep me feeling close to people i love even when we're this far away, and always work as good reminders to say a prayer for them when they come to mind.

the window cutout works great for us too.. i can see ruby if i need to start cleaning up the kitchen while she talks to me or looks at a book after dinner, and it's great for passing dishes right out to the table. my mom's hard work of hanging hooks above our coffee pot cleared a lot of space in our (very few) cabinets.

you would think that since we finally have a dishwasher again, this wouldn't always be full, but it always is.. along with the token just-rinsed clothes from ruby's last meal.

so, there it is.. the kitchen.. our new, and beautiful, mess.

surprised?

2011-09-20T13:11:00.000-07:00

i'm sure you're not.. i feel like i'm constantly changing the look of the blog, and i'm at it again with a little "fall" feel for ya. i've felt inspired to find out more about "blog design" lately.. i'd love to get my space here looking at legit as some of my favorites. here are a few of those to give you an idea of what i'm talking about..

naptime diares.

i love jessi's blog a lot. so fresh and dynamic looking, i think. don't you love that silhouette of her beside her blog title? and here's a little secret, she's going to be doing a guest post right here within the next couple weeks! i asked her to share some about what she and her family have learned and grown from because of some transition that the Lord has brought, and is continuing to bring, them through recently. i'm sure whatever she has to say will encourage and challenge a lot in me, and i'm hoping it will do the same for you too. can't wait!

take heart.

two things i love about danielle's blog.. one. coral! i love this color so much, so of course i loved when she brought it into her blog design recently. two, she and her family are in the process of adopting AND she's pregnant. she shares a lot about what God is doing through all that happening for them right now, and it's a joy to read.

letters to ames.

rachel's blog is another frequent spot for me. i like the vintage feel she has in her design, and since she's running a "blogspot" as well, it gives me hope that i can have something that cute going on here too. she's the a young mama of five little ones, and i'm always learning a ton from her posts about being constantly transparent, healthful living, and giving glory to Him for just making it through each day. hm, come to think of it, maybe i'll put in a little "guest post" request to her too. :)

i know i've given "shout outs" to these ladies before, but i knew i had to do so again when it came to talking about prettying up the blog.. it's just an added bonus that they're great enough for me to have more to brag on them about than their style!

enjoy your tuesday!

oh, and since i'm not keen on a picture-less post, here's a little shot of my loves and me on a recent trip we took into the city. feeling thankful everyday that we're reunited and already learning and seeing so many evidences of God's goodness to us here in indiana.

settling..

2011-09-17T07:59:00.000-07:00

well, we're here.. we have now been indiana residents for one week and one day! kind of crazy. i can't say that it's been the easiest transition, but when is transition really all that easy? please tell me i'm not the only one who has a hard time with it?! i was so thankful to have my mom here for the first few days after we got here. it was great to get a lot of unpacking done while she had time with ruby, and having a little time in the city (chicago) on monday was a good break from setting up the apartment. it was hard to say goodbye to her at the airport on tuesday, and i felt like we jumped right into the nitty gritty of life as d and i drove home talking about expectations and how we'd like our life to look in this new state. as hard as it can sometimes be in marriage to iron out things like that, i'm continually thankful for a husband who desires good things for our family and works hard for us.. and who will sit in the car comforting and listening to me cry and vent for over an hour. :)

i'm having an especially hard time being away from raleigh considering what all is going on with my mom-in-love after a serious car accident she had just a few days after us moving here. more than anything, it's been a time for me to truly exercise the faith that i have in the Lord to control a situation without my help. i know, what kind of crazy person thinks they can do more than God? um, me. :) really though, i feel so powerless up here, but i'm doing my best to trust the support she has from the rest of our family and to believe that there is power in the prayers that i'm constantly speaking for her.

as hard as they are, i'm doing my best to thank the Lord daily for times like these when i'm thrown into the fire.. being refined to rely on Him fully even when i'm not completely sure how. i literally cannot look at these situations and fully see what He will do with them. i realize that daniel being able to give us a better financial footing and being shown favor in his job are blessings in themselves, but i need for there to be something greater for us here than that. something eternal. so, i'm trusting God that he has that in the works, and i'm seeking him for whatever it might be. and although i don't think that he caused this pain to come upon sharon, i am remaining confident that He can and will use it for good, and i'm asking Him to reveal what that good is in His own time. i keep feeling comforted and affirmed by this part of scripture that sharon shared with me right before we moved to indy..

"Immediately after this, Jesus insisted that his disciples get back into the boat and head across the lake to Bethsaida, while he sent the people home. After telling everyone good-bye, he went up into the hills by himself to pray.

Late that night, the disciples were in their boat in the middle of the lake, and Jesus was alone on land. He saw that they were in serious trouble, rowing hard and struggling against the wind and waves. About three o’clock in the morning Jesus came toward them, walking on the water..."

Jesus sent them out knowing it would be hard.. He knew the waves would be against them, but He was watching.. and as soon as he saw that it was more than they could handle on their own, He came to them. i don't even know what more there is to be said about it.. what a comfort.

{via}

brand new..

2011-09-04T20:53:00.000-07:00

so, obviously i'm in a super nostalgic, mushy mood tonight.. three days from the start of "roadtrip to daddy 2011". missing my hubby, knowing i'll soon be missing my family here, and being thankful for my little girl in all of her wild, stubborn, sweet glory. i came across a bunch of videos from when ruby girl came earthside, so i thought i'd share. i hope they don't make you cry as much as i just did watching them [let's face it, they won't].

nothing like some throwback videos to remind you of what

a treasure you have in your baby girl, how loving and true your

husband is, and what a sweet, supportive sister you have.

be nice..

2011-08-22T14:44:00.000-07:00

reach out..

2011-08-21T18:32:00.000-07:00

seeing this postsecret post today made me just a little more thankful than i already am for good people. people who care for others they don't know, and reach out to them in whatever ways they do know. let's be some of those people.

sacred..

2011-08-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

i think, overall, it wouldn't be a stretch to classify myself as an "over-sharer". i'm a complete verbal processor, and it helps me in nearly ever circumstance to share and talk through things. i started therapy recently, and i've felt compelled on and off to start a separate blog-type space to write candidly about what that experience has been like and process through what i'm learning and realizing. i planned to make it a private site and to only give the password to a few people whose opinions and insight i would want on what therapy is bringing out and helping to shift in me. i've gone back and forth about it, and after journaling some last night, started thinking about the possibility again. after i had drawn my token line to put an end to my entry for the night, i tangibly felt a pull inside to remember that some things aren't meant for the masses [or even a select few].. i sat for awhile reflecting on just how often i experience, write, think, pray, see, or do something and automatically think, "who can i share this with?". maybe i don't always think those exact words, but at some point, i very likely end up uploading, status updating, or blog writing about whatever it was. i do believe there is great joy and benefit from having communal experiences, sharpening and challenging others based on our own realizations or bringing others a little joy by posting a super cute picture of our kid-- but, i also think that there are times when feeling a need to let others in on what is happening within myself, or between me and a select few, keeps me from just enjoying whatever that thing is for what it is. why does it sometimes seem like it's more, or only, enriched if others get to see, share in, learn from, or give feedback about it? in a age when facebook shows everyone just how many "friends" we have, foursquare lets everyone know just where we are, twitter lets everyone know just what we're doing, and blogs let everyone know just what we're thinking, i'm going to start doing a better job of reminding myself that..

long-distance loving..

2011-08-09T13:58:00.000-07:00

lemme preface this post by saying that what i'm feeling in this area is a small drop in a very large bucket compared to a lot of people.. so, please don't forward this post to any of your military spouse friends proclaiming, "she knows just how you feel!".. because i definitely do not.

ruby and i are coming up on a month of living apart from our daddy/hubby, and i've had some t.w.s. (thoughts worth sharing :)) about what this time has been like/done for our family. i have to say that i am a firm believer in the whole "distance makes the heart grown fonder" figure of speech. i had a hard time at first knowing that daniel and i would be apart for anywhere from a month and a half to two months. not only because, well, we'd be apart, but also because i was afraid of how people would view us doing that. i felt like other wives would judge me for not "standing by my man" and being there to support him in the move from day one. i was afraid that people would think i was weird for wanting to live with daniel's parents for that long, and wonder what could possibly be so pressing here (or scary about being there) that would make us stay behind for such a considerable time after he left. i was afraid that i was gonna funk things up for ruby by transitioning her not only once, but twice, after moving out of our apartment in raleigh. i was afraid that i was clinging too much to being here and just delaying the inevitable on some unconscious level. i wondered if on some level we were unknowingly, but intentionally, separating ourselves during such a tumultuous and difficult time of transition so that we could avoid some of the initial confrontation that inevitably (at least in our experience) comes with a big move like this. maybe we, without even really realizing it, wanted to be separate from each other for awhile during all of this. i'm sure you're thinking.. "over-analyze much, alinna?" :) but really, it was a big and hard decision for us, and we didn't truly know how we'd feel about it until we were actually doing it and living day to day apart from each other.

so, i say all of that to say where i'm at with things now, and also why i'm thankful that this is what we went with in the end. being apart from daniel has, indeed, made my heart grown fonder for him. i miss my husband. i am more ready than i ever thought i'd be to be settled in chicago because i want to be with him, despite all that's going to come with the transition. i've shared with a few friends how daniel and i have noticed in our 3ish years of married life that an easy rut for us to fall into is sometimes living at roommates instead of life-mates and lovers. in our experience, it's sometimes difficult to keep the hard, real, and day to day of life from making us live around instead of with each other. but. this time apart has gotten me far and away from that rut. i miss him. i want him. and i can't wait to live life with each other in just a few short weeks. i'm so looking forward to settling into a new apartment, town, routine, church, relationships, and all the rest of it again. i feel so filled up from these past couple years in raleigh submerged in and surrounded by family and great friends, and i feel ready to take on this next phase with daniel and ruby. don't get me wrong, i'm sad. i'm scared. i'm already feeling a little bit of the exhaustion that i know will come with getting to know (and like) new people. i'm already planning out how i want our new apartment to be set up, and wondering where i'll get my hair cut, oil changed, groceries from, and how i'll survive in all of that SNOW. but those blows all feel a little more lessened with each day that passes and each little tingle of tears i feel in my eyes when i think of my sweet love up there without us.

this long-distance loving is just what we needed,
and i'm thankful that He knew that and laid out the path
for us before we even knew what was happening.

july..

2011-06-30T08:46:00.000-07:00

july holds a good bit of change for us, and in the midst of all the madness, i'm sure opening up our laptop to see this bit of extreme cuteness will add an extra smile to my days. hope it does the same for you.

[source]

at it again..

2011-06-16T17:34:00.000-07:00

so, since the newest change with us is becoming very official this weekend, i think it's due time to share what's going on. like the title of this post tells you, we're at it again... and by "it" i mean moving. the wednesday before we were set to go to tom and rachel's really fun wedding outside of chicago, daniel got a call from his current regional manager at hhgregg offering him a manager position for a job that had recently and suddenly opened up in the chicago area. an electronic sales manager positon had become available in a new region being started, and russ (daniel's current regional manager (RM) in raleigh who is moving to become one of the RM's in the new chicago region) thought of daniel to fill the job. he told us there was "no pressure" to take it because there were other people that he could ask to go, but that he knew he could trust daniel to do a great job helping to jump-start the region and wanted to give us a chance to think it over. the catch- we needed to decide within the next few days (so, like he said, no pressure). needless to say, our very fun and "relaxing" trip to chicago turned into one that was also a big time of decision, prayer, advice-asking, and adult/married people discussion (and sometimes disagreement/tears, if i'm honest). we ~~coincidentally~~ providentially were routed to drive right through the town we would potentially be moving to, merrillville, indiana. so, with all of my "this cannot be what He has planned for us" thinking, it was hard for me to deny it when something like that was starting the list of "why it could very likely be what we should do" evidence. anyway, we took time that weekend to talk to some friends/family, seek wise counsel (even from a few older/wiser "strangers" at the wedding), and take a look around the town on our way back home.

after quite a few conversations with various people that went something like this, "i had the opportunity to do something like that earlier in life and am so glad i did" or "i had the opportunity to do something like that earlier in life and think back wondering what would have come out of it if i'd gone", we started thinking that it might be a good opportunity for daniel and a wise move for our family. daniel talked some more options over with russ in the following week, and found out that he was more than willing to help us move back to the raleigh area in a year and a half or two once the region was established and d had the time to hire and train a replacement for himself. once we got that news, we felt a lot more strongly that this could be a good (and also tough) season for us. we decide the thursday after daniel got the initial job offer that he would accept, and the snowball really started rolling after that. daniel has exchanged a lot of emails and phone calls with a relocation company that hhgregg works with, made arrangements with our landlord and family to plan out what the transition time between our current apartment and the next (in indiana!) will look like, and given some exciting and also hard news to a lot of people who we love.

so, the logistics of our plan (as they stand right now) look something like this:

..we are spending today through sunday in and around merrillville looking for an apartment or house to rent.

..we will go home and pack everything we own and transfer it into a POD that will be taken and stored up here.

..we will move out of our apartment on june 30th and live in d's parents' house (yay for being roomies with them again!).

..daniel, his brother luke, and oldest sister christine, will drive our two cars up here around the 8th of july, and daniel will start ~~working at~~ building from scratch the new store, along with two other managers, around the 15th of july.

..ruby and i will continue to bunk at the mehaffie house until around the end of august (maybe into september). sidebar: i know that sounds like a long time for our family to be apart, but the more we've talked about it, the more we realize that this way of transitioning for us will work much better than us moving up with him only for him to work pretty much non-stop for the first couple months that we are there leaving us, more or less, to fend for ourselves to settle in. we're planning to feel out when things slow down a bit for him, and then ruby and i will fly up and begin our life with d as indianians (is that what they're called?!). thankfully, hhgregg funds at least one trip for him down to nc (or us up to indy) to visit. i know there will be difficulties that come with being apart for that long, but i think it will also be good for ruby and me to transition out of our raleigh life a bit throughout the summer.. we're loving our family, friends, home group, church, journey group, etc. there, and i think rushing out too quickly could be really hard on us. ok, enough about that part of it.. i feel like i'm talking you guys in to thinking it's a good idea or something. :)

so, as far as i know, that's the plan for now. since this transition came pretty much hand-in-hand with our loss (we accepted the final offer for his job the same day we found out about my miscarriage), i feel like i'm just now starting to even wrap my mind around what's going on in this area of our life. i will not deny that i am sad and i know that it'll hit me hard once we're actually up there, but i also for sure see the favor in this happening. i think there's a ton to be said of how blessed we are that daniel has found a job that he's both good at and loves, and also that his hard work has paid off and been noticed in the short (almost) two years that he's worked there. i also think that after a period of being completely submerged (in a good way) in family and great friends in raleigh for the past couple years, it will be good for us to go back to our california-esque existence of completely having and relying on each other.

ho. ly. mo. ly. this is long. i'm sure there will be many many posts to come that concern this biiig transition. i can't imagine how exited you must be about that. ;)

early father's day..

2011-06-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

enjoyed these hopeful, happy, and loving father's day postsecrets tonight.

goodnight. <3

mending..

2011-06-11T09:08:00.000-07:00

i mentioned a few posts back that we've got some heavy-ish things going on right now. i suppose that today is as good a day as ever to start more outwardly processing through what's happening. first, i'll share this post that i wrote about a month ago to be pulished a few weeks later:

"i'm writing this post the day it happened, but you won't be seeing it for another three weeks.. i just don't want to forget what a hard week this started out as and what a good one it has become. by the time y'all are reading this you'll already know that d and i are expecting baby dos, and as excited (and, honestly, shocked) as we were when we found out about baby on april 27th, i've felt much much different this time around than i did with ruby. when i think back to that positive pregnancy test day, i feel like the worries that crept up stand out more to me than anything else. i just couldn't shake the feeling, and the monday after we confirmed the news was the first time i noticed a little blood when i went to the bathroom. my heart sunk, but at the same time i thought, "of course" and sadly, at that moment, assumed that all of my aforementioned worries were coming true. so. sad. how easily defeated, right? and, when the same thing happened that tuesday through friday, i had myself completely convinced walking in to see the midwife with daniel on friday afternoon that they were going to tell us that our seven week-ish old baby had died. i explained what had been going on to lucie (the midwife), and nodded while she assured me that what was happening was normal and that we would take a look inside and see how things were going.. all the while bracing myself for what i knew was going to come. but then i saw it.. the little (i mean, teeny tiny) blip on the screen. the heartbeat. the heartbeat that she said she was surprised we could even see because our baby was only five weeks old. five weeks. which explained everything. the bit of bleeding, the lack of strong pregnancy symptoms. all of it. and in the midst of a time in my life when i've been feeling like i have to fight to feel the presence of God, i knew He cared about me and that He was there. that He knew that i need to see that heartbeat to calm my worried heart, and i wept."

obviously, you all haven't read that post before now. the reason for that is that we found out about three weeks later that our baby's teeny tiny heartbeat had stopped sometime between our two appointments, and that i would need to have a d&c to remove the "fetal tissue" (as they so lovingly called it). even though we lost our baby, i still wanted to share this post because the joy that we felt that day isn't any less important. i still believe that the Lord sustained us during that time, and that He is doing the same thing while we are on the opposite side of joy.

on some level, it feels a little strange for me to even be sharing about the miscarriage since it's technically "over", but a lot of the time it doesn't feel like it is. i was telling my friend kalle not long ago that the hardest thing about dealing with this kind of loss (or any loss at all, i'm sure) is that even though you feel "okay" at times, you never know when the sadness from it will come washing over you again. you never know when some completely unrelated situation will bring emotions that overtake and consume you, making you feel, in some ways, completely irrational and confused by your own thoughts and feelings. i had one such instance last night, and told daniel that there are times when i just wish i didn't feel because it would be easier that way.. i wouldn't feel like such a "basket case". of course, this isn't really what i want, i love having feelings, but there are definitely times when they get the best of me.

a loss like this is also hard because your logical self knows how common it is and that it is in no way the worst kind of tragedy you can go through in the realm of parenthood.. but that doesn't take away from how attached you feel as a mother to someone you literally never knew. i had a really hard time dealing with the very strange things that my hormonal mind thought of in terms of our baby.. the thoughts of it being inside me not alive, wondering how many people i joyfully told that i was pregnant with our baby while, in fact, it had died, being curious and sad about how they "disposed" of it after the d&c procedure. i hated where my mind would go, but i couldn't stop it. it was also difficult knowing that there really wasn't any way that daniel could completely relate to or understand my sadness-- it's just reality that things like this do not affect fathers in the same way that they do mothers. i would sometimes feel bad breaking down again and again, having him hold and console me, all the while knowing that he couldn't even touch emotions that were completely overtaking me. of course, he was supportive and hurting because i was, but my mind went there anyway.

on the much brighter side, we were and still are extremely grateful for the compassion, sympathy, empathy, generosity, and love that we've gotten from so many around us. there's definite comfort in the midst of trial knowing that someone else can specifically relate to and be sad with you because they have be there. we felt completely surrounded and cared for by our loved ones, and despite any lack of complete understanding, there is a great deal of strength and solidification that comes in a marriage from something so hard (if you allow it). i think, when you hurt together, you love harder. and i'm thankful for those things in the midst of this.

there's another pretty big transition coming up for us as well, but i need to talk to d and make sure when we're going to share it on a larger scale. apart from wanting to share about the miscarriage as a way of remembrance over time for us on our blog, i also wanted to give some insight for others into something "common" but also very difficult for the women and families who go through it. i am so thankful that the reactions and words from our friends and family were never the stereotypical "unhelpful" things that you hear about, but i know that's not always the case for people who go through what we have (and much harder things). after experiencing this hard time, i would say that the most helpful and comforting thing to hear was often, "i really don't know what to say, but we are sad with and praying for you." it's amazing how something so simple can be just what you need to hear.

thanking Him (and many of you) for a mending heart.

{source}

hard..

2011-06-10T18:47:00.000-07:00

you will never hear me claim to truly know what i'm doing when it comes to parenting.. i'm trying the best i know how. i ask advice, i try to remain teachable, i pray, i ponder, i challenge myself and bounce things off my husband when i'm confused or frustrated, i try to offer love and correction hand-in-hand, i do my best to hold my tongue at times when all i want to do is scream in frustration, i choose my battles and realize that some things are just better left alone.. but it's hard.

parenting is hard.

i'm sitting here right now so frustrated at my daughter even after she's asleep. and so discouraged because, try as i might, sometimes i just don't know what i'm doing or if our teaching is getting us anywhere. i fully believe that it's nature and nurture. there are tendencies in her personality that i am certain she was born with.. wrong things that i want to help her learn to control, and also good things that i was to cherish and foster so she can be uniquely and beautifully her. but the road is long, the challenges are often, and the rewards come few and far between.

our biggest challenge with her right now is aggression towards other kids.. she pushes, she hits, she sometimes kicks.. and i have no idea why. sometimes, it's provoked, but a lot of the time it's almost like she doesn't know what else to do when she walks up to another kid, so she pushes them. sometimes i wonder if it's an interest in cause and effect.. let's see what reaction i can get out of this kid.. but usually i am simply dumbfounded while i watch her approach and accost a kid. don't get me wrong, it's not like she's pummeling kids or really causing any kind of physical harm at all, but still. what the heck? most parents are very understanding, and even empathetic, offering words of encouragement about how their kids either do or have done the same, but i can't help but continually wonder, "what is going on??" and "how long will this last?".

my current frustration comes out of our evening tonight.. we went to a park with my friend janelle, and had to leave because ruby pushed after i told her we would leave if she did it again (it didn't phase her because she got to "go to naynay's house"). we left her house and went to chick-fil-a and to play with the kids outside in the square at north hills. after one slight pushing incident, i told her if she pushed or hit again we would leave. surpriiise, she did it again. so we left, crying all the way.. and by the time we got to the car for me to explain again why we left, followed by a follow through of the spank i told her she would get for pushing, it's like she's over and forgotten about the entire thing. i wanted to come home and have her understand that i was still mad at and disappointed in her, but there's no way. she's two. she has the memory of a goldfish and i'm only hurting myself when i harbor feelings like this towards her and this situation long after it's over.

like i said, it's hard. and i think what's even harder is the knowledge in the back of my head that tells me this won't be anywhere near the hardest thing we'll face with her. she's two. please. i don't even wanna think about what we'll be facing when she's ten. sixteen. eighteen. twenty-one.

doing my best to, "Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."

but you know what? that's hard too.

marriage..

2011-06-09T13:34:00.000-07:00

i saw this video posted by rachael, who writes one of the blogs that i told you about the other day, on facebook today and i knew i wanted to share it. i'd say that if you're married, unmarried, hopeful to be married, think that marriage is a cool institution but not for you, or in pretty much any other situation, you should see this. i think it's one of the most beautiful and touching testaments to what marriage could and should look like that i've ever heard.. humble, kind, unselfish, simple, and unwavering. just watching it challenged the heck out of me.. i want so badly to be to daniel what annie was to danny.
i want to light up his life.

Danny & Annie from StoryCorps on Vimeo.

liking lately..

2011-06-07T20:23:00.000-07:00

in the midst of some heavy-ish things going on in our life right now (more on that in a future post, i'm sure), i've been trying to let myself think on lighter things this evening. it seemed like a wishlist/things that i've been liking lately was a good place to go.. so, here they are for you to see.

tina fey. i just think she seems so down to earth and hilarious, and i'm really interested in reading her book. maybe it will be at the library? here's hoping.

the color coral. it's so pretty and summery, and i find myself gravitating lately towards clothing, nail polish, and pretty much anything else coral-colored.

rachael ray's everyday magazine. i've thought about subscribing, but wanted to do a trial run before i did. i bought the latest issue and loved it immediately. tons of good, affordable, and seemingly simple recipes. three good ways to win me over. looking forward to making a fun french toast recipe from it for my hub and rubes in the morning.

these blogs. i've somewhat newly discovered them, and i've found a lot of genuine and encouraging stuff there. i will admit that sometimes blog following can turn into a big down-on-myself comparison party if i let it, but i feel like these two ladies do a good job of letting the real and dirty in their lives show while also being honest and challenging out of what they're learning and growing in. i'm thankful for the ways that this abstract and often uninspiring interweb can sometimes bring just the amount of goodness that i need.

link

unsweet tea and dunkin' donuts iced coffee. ugh, they've become addictions. i'm going to have to buy some decaf coffee and more tea bags because these drive-thru stops are going to start breaking the bank.

this scarf and these earrings. i've pretty sure i'm going to try to fit them into what i'm wearing everyday for the next two months, knowing me. i'm kind of an "i like it and i'm addicted" kind of person when i get something new. probably because it doesn't happen that often. :)

and lastly, this little girl. she probably tests me and drives me crazy as much as she delights me, and that's honestly what i love so much about her. being her mama stretches me in ways that i never thought possible, and i know i need it. i also love that she's suddenly started giving me unrequested hugs, kisses, and "i love you, mommy"s.. seriously, it does not get much better than that.

[un]natural progression..

2011-05-18T10:53:00.000-07:00

i feel like calling life a "natural progression" is something you hear people say a lot. i either don't think that's really true, or what i picture as a natural progression isn't what it actually is. maybe before (like during high school and college when i looked ahead to what i thought it might all look like for me) i thought of a natural progression as predictability. for example, i will finish school, get a job, meet a mate, marry him, have kids (after a reasonable amount of time), settle down and raise them, work some more, retire at some point, enjoy life, and then die. although i'm not very far along in this list, i'm at the same time very far along in this list.

my natural progression got unnatural real quick.

i just wish we didn't do that to ourselves. if i didn't spend time thinking so much about how my (and our) life should look, then i in turn wouldn't end up spending so much time worrying about how that varies from how it does look. if i hadn't talked in college about how i wasn't going to be one of those girls who had the walk across the stage at graduation turn into a walk down the isle, i wouldn't spend the time i sometimes do thinking about how i did just that. if i didn't talk about how we didn't want to be one of those christian "honeymoon baby" couples, i wouldn't be so thrown off course by the fact that we are. too bad we don't realize earlier in life what i feel like i'm trying to get through my head now.. that my natural progression is natural for me, not in comparison to anyone else. boy, does that take the pressure off.

proverbs 19:21

You can make many plans,

but the Lord’s purpose will prevail.

potty post..

2011-05-18T06:09:00.000-07:00

this is a totally geeked-out mom post. i thought about making this topic/question a facebook status, but figured i wouldn't expose all of my unsuspecting facebook friends to my potty learning/training questions. blogland seems like a much more chosen means of reading, so if you clicked and came here, hopefully you're ready to hear about it. :)

so, ruby's pottying ability came to be kind of by accident. ever since she seemed at all interested in her little toilet in the bathroom, i've let her sit on it, try to go to the bathroom on it, talked to her about what i was doing when i would use "my potty", and things like that. over time she'd randomly have a successful pee on the potty, but there was no method to the madness. when my mom was here over mother's day weekend, we let ruby be bottomless pretty much all of the time at home and became pretty intentional about having her try and go every now and then and, for lack of better words, freaked out whenever she'd actually pee or poop on there. so, over the course of those few days she seemed to get it. it was kind of miraculous to me.. i loved how excited to she (and we) got for this accomplishment, and although she's learned a ton of things in her little two year lifetime, i felt like it was one of the most major things that i actually helped teach her.

i say all of this to ask, now that she's got in-home pottying about 98% down, how do i take this outside of the home? i'm perfectly happy with her using the toilet at home only for awhile, saving us diapers and learning more and more about how to get things done along the way, but i don't want to confuse her by putting her in diapers anytime we're not at our apartment. any suggestions are welcome.. hoping that some post potty training moms frequent this recently neglected blog. sorry i've been MIA! more posts to come soon.

my smart girl.

april..

2011-03-30T10:37:00.001-07:00

i've mentioned that i love these, right?

link

soulmate..

2011-03-17T18:50:00.000-07:00

so, i have this friend who's used the word soulmate since i can remember, but i know for a fact that she didn't truly know what that word meant until she met matt.. and this weekend i get to be a part of the day when she commits her life to him. janelle, thank you for asking me to be one of the women who stands in support of your marriage before so many people you trust and love. i'm proud of you, and i can't wait to keep walking through life with you and to see the ways that marriage, and all that you will learn from it, shapes you into an even better version of the person i already love so much. you're a sweet friend, nay, and i am so looking forward to celebrating your and matt's love and God's goodness in bringing you to one another on your wedding day! <3

mom moment..

2011-03-17T18:40:00.000-07:00

i was driving home tonight and passed a house on our street with one of these in the "take this if you want it" spot on their curb. even though i thought it might be a little late to knock on a random person's door to ask to have their stuff, i was too afraid to pass up the chance of someone else taking it before morning. so, i took the plunge, and it turns out they are giving it away! yippee.. total mom moment of excitement, but i was so thankful to find something i know ruby will love and that it's free. now all i have to do is convince the hubs to cart it down the road to our apartment bright and early on his day off tomorrow. and here's hoping that it makes ruby just as happy as the cheesy kids in this picture.. i might even have to put on my light khakis and mom clogs in the spirit of playtime.

marzo..

2011-03-05T11:25:00.000-08:00

was very excited to see this. hope you guys are too. :)

p.s. a word to the wise.. make sure to click on it to enlarge before saving so it doesn't look all grainy on your desktop.

musac..

2011-03-04T20:49:00.000-08:00

enjoying this song very much lately.

here is the link to the official music video on the you tube. it was unembedable (you know you like that word).

the coolest cousins..

2011-02-24T18:49:00.000-08:00

my cousins are the sweetest. i'm so thankful to be living in the same town as them, and they crack me up regularly. alex is thirteen (i literally can't believe that), and ellie and faye are nine. here are a few e-mails that i exchanged with the two of them recently.

faye: Did Ruby get the chicken pox? aww! I am sorry! hope Ruby will feel better soon

me: Hey Faye! Ruby does have the chicken pox. She seems to be feeling ok but she has some red bumps on her body and she can give them to other people who haven't had chicken pox yet. I love you! <3>

faye: hope she feels better soon! love you!

short, sweet, and to the point. gotta love that.

ellie: (e-mail titled: RUBY HAS THE CHICKEN POCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

Dear Alinna, I can't believe RUBY has the chicken pocks! I Feel so bad for her! Is she throwing-up or coughing or stuff like that?
( I found out when mom blurted out,"OH NO, RUBY HAS THE CHICKEN POCKS!!!!!!!!!!!!" and saw it on her phone).
me: Hi, Ellie! Yes, Ruby does have the chicken pox. She is not really coughing or throwing up, but she just has some red bumps on her body. Thank you for making sure that she is ok. I miss you! <3>

ellie: Dear Alinna, That is a relief! I am so glad! When she gets rid of em, mabye we can chat on gmail.

i love the enthusiasm.. and of course i love that she wants to chat on gmail. :)

and, lastly, a little update e-mail about the status of her braces sent from ellie to the whole family.

ellie: I think i might get my braces off the next time I visit at the orthodontist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :) -February 23, 2011

they just melt my heart. i love how much they love ruby, and that they're at an age to be able to communicate so well (especially through technology! impressive.). oh, and did i mention that they both have a blog? i linked to them above. like i said.. the two of them and alex combined.. the coolest cousins.

finally..

2011-02-23T17:39:00.000-08:00

i was crafty! i'm thankful i finally let the crafting bug bite me a couple times. it's hard to fit that love of mine into life as i know it right now, but it always feels good once it happens. here's what's happened lately.

i've been wanting to make curtains for ruby's room since, well, i can remember. we've actually never had curtains in any of the three places we've lived since we got married because i'm stubborn and wanted to make them rather than buy, but then i never got around to actually making them. until now. these are my first curtains ever, and i'm not in love with how they turned out, but they get the job done and i learned a lot for the next go round. i wanted to use this thick fabric i bought from a random home furnishings sale my sister-in-law and i went to because i thought making ruby's room a bit darker would help her take better naps and wake up later in the morning.. wishful thinking, i know. :) they haven't made a big difference in that department, but even ten or fifteen minutes here or there is enough for me.

and here's the pincushion i made for my sister-in-law's birthday. i think it turned out super cute! i like this pattern a lot, and the only change i made was adding rice to the bottom since i couldn't find the natural batting they suggested to make it weightier. i'll probably be making one of these for myself, and any other friends i can think of who'd like to have one sitting alongside their sewing machine. you came to mind, jessica anderson. :)

welp, hopefully i'll be in the crafting spirit more often from here on out, so i'll share whatever comes up next.

balumtine'th day..

2011-02-14T10:40:00.000-08:00

i'll take any excuse to watch a dave barnes video. so hilarious. happy valentine's day!

flawed..

2011-02-06T18:41:00.001-08:00

although i do attempted to add some "saltiness" to the content of my blog, sometimes i find that overall what i include here tends to err on the side of what is flowery and in some ways keeps from showing more of the "realness", you might say, of my life. so, i thought i'd submit some not so favorable tidbits to add some balance..

..sometimes i do not love my place in life right now. i see ~~single/childless~~ free friends around me and envy them at times. parenthood and marriage can be tiring and overwhelming, and i never want to get to the point where i deny that. i don't dwell on these feelings nor do i forget that there are many who want nothing more than a mate and/or child, but nonetheless now and then i really feel like i could use a day off.

..i compare myself more than i should to other people. friends. moms. wives. christians. non-christians. small talkers. crafters. bloggers. child raisers. worker outers. career havers. intellectuals. home owners. debtless folk. wives of regular-hour-working spouses. the list goes on. i often spend more time waiting on who i hope to be than enjoying and appreciating who i am right now.

..sometimes i have roaches in my kitchen and it mortifies me.

..i am yeller. i don't do it all the time and i believe it's something i can and will overcome, but it does happen. sometimes i am much harder on and get more frustrated with ruby than i'd like to, and it breaks my heart and spirit every time.

..i still haven't fully worked through all of the transition that has come during the past few years. i would say that it's made me more fragile emotionally than i'd like to be, but it also makes me self evaluate because if i don't it just ain't pretty.

..i am judgmental. i have more opinions about what other others do than i'd really like to say, and i very often have to ask for God's heart and words towards them because my own need to be put in major check.

..i'm lazy. i lack motivation in a lot of basic areas in my life right now, and i am prone to letting meaningless pastimes keep me from being productive.

..i can be a major nag. sometimes i really don't know how daniel puts up with me.

..i have very little consistency in my walk with the Lord. i doubt a lot, and very often have more questions than answers.

..i deep cleaned our bathroom for the first time last week since we moved into our apartment. in september.

well, there's some of the down and dirty for you. there's more, but there's no need to be excessive. :) like we were talking about at journey group last week, vulnerability is something i so appreciate about others but can at times stray from myself. here's to putting it all out there.

progression..

2011-02-04T19:24:00.000-08:00

sometimes i look at this sweet girl and think about how bald she still seems.. and then i remember this progression. i do look forward to braid and ponytail days though. :)

crafty..

2011-02-01T18:46:00.001-08:00

{source}

please do..

2011-01-30T20:22:00.000-08:00

goodies..

2011-01-25T20:06:00.000-08:00

here are three websites that i think are interesting and worth sharing. hopefully you'll like them too!

book mooch.

i'm still not completely sure how it works (i think the points system seems like it could get a little confusing, but maybe not), but i think this site seems very awesome. don't you just see things like this and wish you'd thought of them? well, i know i do. anywho, i'm hoping to put my list of books up soon so i can get started requesting and sending books. neato.

neighborhood fruit.

i'm kind of bummed that i didn't know about this site while we were still in cali, because there are so many fresh fruit trees out there and also a lot of people who would probably be prone to sharing from them. there was actually a huge lemon tree in someone's backyard on our alley in oceanside, and i thought very often about snatching a few. hopefully once warmer weather rolls around i'll be able to find someone sharing their fruit in raleigh.

one dress.

i found this website on a blog i really like and have been following it on and off ever since. i haven't read the whole thing, but what i do know is that the blogger has committed to wearing the same dress for an entire year as a protest against consumerism and to challenge her motivation and reasons for caring about fashion. it's pretty neat, and it's been interesting to follow what she's learning about herself and also about other people as they react to her wearing the same thing day after day.

i give all of these a heartfelt

p.s. can you believe january is almost over? it seems like just yesterday the ball was dropping to welcome in 2011. time. flies.

creative.

2011-01-20T11:27:00.001-08:00

link

new..

2011-01-06T13:25:00.000-08:00

it'd be safe to say that this picture pretty perfectly portrays (whoa. holy p's) how i feel about making goals. now, not the small day-to-day goals like, shower at some point, feed ruby three meals and a couple snacks, clean at least one thing around the apartment, and so on, but bigger goals.. "new year's resolution" type goals. we got into a discussion during journey group the other night (side note: journey group is what we call a group of me and three other woman from my church family who meet every other week to eat, discuss a book we're reading, pray, laugh, cry (i usually fill that criteria :), vent, and encourage and challenge each other. i can't say it better than "i love it") about whether or not we're disciplined people. i knew this before that night, but it got me thinking again about the fact that i know beyond a shadow of a doubt that i am not disciplined.. at all. i rarely follow through on goals i make that aren't vital to and almost forced to be done in my daily life. i don't like this about myself, and i'm glad that in realizing it i want it to change. so, i present the goals that i've been thinking about lately so that those of you out there reading (crickets.. ;) can ask me about them, if you'd like, and also because it helps me to feel like they're more real and decided on once i share them.. here goes.

1. pay off our car this year (hopefully in less than a year). of course, this goal includes daniel as well since he's bringing home most of the dough, so i'm glad he liked this one when i shared it with him. we are and have been working on it, but having the next 12 months (or less!) as a timeline helps me to want to chip away at it even more than i already do.

2. be more patient.. especially when driving. like i told our home group a couple weeks ago, i want more patience in my life overall, but i feel like making the blanket statement of being more patient as a wife, mom, sister, daughter, friend seems a bit daunting right now.. so i figure working on patience on the road is a good starting place that will encourage it in other areas of my life as well. also, i think it will affect more than just my time on the road since getting up earlier, not rushing out the door, and things like that will need to be altered in some way to make patience while driving more possible.

3. eat better. i've let myself get pretty slack with eating fast food, drinking soda, and overeating in general for awhile now. i keep saying i want to get rid of the "baby weight", but i don't know how much longer i can keep calling it baby weight since it's been over a year and a half. :)

4. learn to run. when i told my mother-in-love about this one the other day she said, "you don't know how to run?!" what a kidder she is. but really, i want to learn how to run.. i think i'll try the couch potato to 5k dealio since i've heard stories of success from others using it. so, once i find a running stroller i think i'll give #4 a whirl.

5. be here now. this one kind of blankets and flows into a lot of areas in my life, but i want to work on being where i am when i'm there and with who i'm there with. sounds complicated, i know.. but i often find myself multi-tasking or doing wasteful, mindless, and distracting things with my time when i should be giving attention to what's important at that moment.. i.e. ruby, daniel, time spent with God. i let other things capture my mind and time instead of taking in the good that's in front of me in that moment. i don't want time, experiences, memories, or relationships escaping me because of worries, to do lists, facebook, or whatever's taking my attention at the moment.. it's hard, but it will be good.

that's where i am for now. there are other little things i've been trying to better in myself lately, but i'm not at a sharing place with some of them yet. thanks for reading.. and here's to accomplishment!

elfed..

2010-12-04T11:22:00.000-08:00

shutterfly..

2010-12-02T11:59:00.000-08:00

i am admitting to all who read in the blogosphere that never have i ever sent out a christmas card. you would think that i would have been all over it last year because it was our first year with a little bundle of ruby joy to show off for all the world to see, but i just couldn't get myself in gear. but when i saw a friend share on facebook a couple of weeks ago that shutterfly was offering 50 free christmas photo cards to bloggers who would write about them, i wanted to jump right on it! i'm really glad i found out about this because, after looking through the cards on shutterfly.com, i have gotten so excited about sending christmas cards this year. i've been selfish in years past because i've loved getting holiday cards from friends and family, but i've never returned the favor. i just love the idea of being able to send a little hello and well wishes before the end of the year to people we love, and picturing them adding it to their displayed card collection for the rest of the season. maybe i'll get really gutsy and take advantage of shutterly's holidays invitations by having a christmas get together. well, maybe i'm getting a little too ambitious.. i think i'll leave that attempt for next year and just tackle christmas cards this time around. :)

here are just a few of the shutterly christmas cards i've been loving since browsing the site:

such a sweet card.. i love the "celebrate family" message as a reminder for everyone during what can be a very busy season..

their multiple picture cards are very cute and allow for a ton of creativity..

they have a bunch of vintage-looking cards; which i'm always partial to..
i love the look of and colors in this one..

well, that's all from me for now. but make sure to take advantage of shutterfly's holiday card promotion yourself.. thanks, shutterfly!

just in time..

2010-11-30T14:18:00.000-08:00

more sharing from this great artist.. and just in time.

giver..

2010-11-10T19:09:00.000-08:00

i follow this blog and i like it a lot. i have this...

as my desktop background right now, and you should too. i love her art, and i love even more that she's a giver.

love..

2010-11-09T18:50:00.000-08:00

true for me.

true for d.

true for ruby too.

shed..

2010-11-08T18:57:00.000-08:00

i've found it pretty ironic (and awesome) ever since having ruby that almost every time i am questioning, fretting, or frustrated over something she seems to all of a sudden be doing i'll suddenly receive a parenting e-mail, some good advice, or coincidentally see or read something somewhere that perfectly lines up and sheds some light. this e-mail from babycenter.com did that very thing for me about 25 seconds ago..

"Does your child deliberately ignore you when you ask him not to do something? Try not to lose your temper if he does. At this age, making a big deal over little transgressions like pulling petals off a flower or spreading newspapers around the house may inspire him to test your limits even more. Ignore the minor infractions and save your lectures for really big no-nos like biting a playmate or pulling the dog's tail."

holy guacamole is ruby doing this non-stop right now. she will literally look right at me with a big smile on her face while continually doing over and over again just what i told her not to. vally and i were talking the other day about how she'll even wait for me to turn my head or walk out of the room so that she can keep disobeying and then quickly stop right when i look at her again.. crazy! these moments are so trying on me and push all of my buttons, and i have to admit that i definitely lose my cool with her more often than i'd like to (although today while she kept eating a sticker from the cashier at trader joe's after i told her not to giggling with this little smirky smile on her face i had to turn my head because i was laughing so hard.. i liked that feeling rather than the sheer annoyance i usually have in these moments). how is it that she already knows how to be so defiant and disobedient? why oh why is this something that is so innate in all of us? these instances with ruby are full on reminders for me of just how self gratifying we all are even without being taught how to act that way. i just pray and hope that i can be diligent to bestow grace and patience onto her just like it's been given to me so so so many times before.

all i can say is, good thing she's so darn cute. :)

throwback..

2010-11-06T09:20:00.000-07:00

vally told me yesterday that she started reading some of our first blogs the other day, and it inspired me to do the same. although i believe the post below is the only one that d has ever written on here, i was so thankful to go back and read it again. man oh man how far we've come since that day.. i'm amazed and so thankful that daniel was such a rock for me when we first found out that little ruby girl was on the way.. and looking back now, i'm even more thankful that it's apparent how God was, and continues to be, faithful in the midst of how unsure, yet trusting, we were. we talked in home group this past week about ways that God has used "evil" for good in our lives, and although i know ruby being our little surprise girl was in no way "evil" from Him, her being a part of his plan for us is definitely an area in which i can say that something totally unforeseen in our plans has been used for such good because it was in His all along. i'm thankful that this blog has been around to be some sort of a chronicle of a bit of the crazy journey we've been on the for the past couple of years.

21 October 2008

surpriiiiise...

So I think that it’s probably fitting to begin my blogging trend after about a year by spilling the beans that Alinna and I are pregnant! I awoke one morning last week only to drink some coffee and telephone some friends on the East coast. I spoke with a good friend who usually asks, "You pregnant yet?". I figured I'd beat him to the punch and 'jokingly' tell him Alinna and I are pregnant. I had no idea that Alinna would come home later only to tell me that she thinks we actually ARE pregnant. So, three pregnancy tests later, we found out we're as pregnant as we were when she took the first test. Why does it seem that we all think the first one is wrong? God has such a sense of humor. He knew when I was joking with my friend that I was exactly right about us being pregnant. I can picture Him laughing the very moment those words fell out of my mouth. He not only knew we were going to have a kid before I woke that very morning, but He knew before Alinna said "I Do" and before my mom had me in 1983. "He knows the plans he has for us."

When Alinna came home and dropped the bomb on me, I was filled with excitement and shock! The moment financial worries popped into my head, I was instantly reminded of God's provision for us in the last four months of marriage. We moved to California in June with tons of questions, a couple answers, God, and each other. He's provided me with a job, us a car, Alinna a job, a roof over our head, another roof over our head when our apartment wasn't ready, and so on. I have NO DOUBT in my mind that HE WILL provide for us in the future. I’m just trying to remember the past while not dwelling on it, live in the present as best I know how, and trust God with the future, not dwelling on that either. I've been reminded of so many lessons this past week that are helping me feel calm and relaxed about the present as well as the future. It's not bad or wrong to ask God questions. We see Habbakuk ask God some tough questions and God doesn't let them go unanswered. Each morning I could easily wake to have the world hit me in the face by ALLOWING wonder and worry to fill my head... Why now with a kid? How are we going to provide when we can hardly afford to live without a kid? Can I put myself aside enough for God, a wife, AND a kid? Does having a kid mean I must give up on my dreams and move to an easier and more comfortable life in North Carolina? It's God's plan and timing, not my own. One of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes from Mere Christianity:

“That is why the real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back; in listening to that other voice, taking the other point of view, letting that other larger, stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all you natural fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind.”

We may think we know the plan, but when we think we do, he's right behind to say, "Oh, no you don't." Although I wish he would answer these questions with neon signs, he never does. We all know God doesn’t want life to be a cake walk. I think he wants us to walk into the fire, step out into the deep blue ocean, be imprisoned for His sake, leave our families, and grow up! All in all, I’ve asked God questions this past week and a half, and though he hasn’t flashed answers my way, Alinna and I are seeing answers as we live in His will.

Just to catch you up on what we’ve been talking over since this “baby news” arrived on October 9, 2008, Alinna and I have decided to remain in California and be a Light out here in the community of Oceanside. Thanks to her for being a fantastic wife that allows to me to pursue my dreams while standing by my side through everything.

dedication..

2010-11-05T18:49:00.000-07:00

d and i had ruby dedicated before our family and church on october 24th.. it was such a perfect day, and we were so thankful to have so many people who we love and who love us there to share it and commit to walking alongside us as we do our best as parents to raise her well. my friend taylor was coincidentally in town for the weekend with her amazing camera and offered to capture pictures of ruby and all of us on her big day. i had to share..

dedaj, gunter, mehaffie, and struble's unite!

leaning in like we love each other... 'cause we do!

such a sweet sweet sweet one of my girl and her auntie v.

nothing beats a great jumping shot.

i love them all so much.

us three. <3

our longtime and generous friends, josh and taylor (the photographer).

what a doll face.

my mom made this awesome dress for ruby especially for her dedication day. amazing.

hap-hap-happy.

this captures her personality to a tee.

how can i love her so much?

we are so so thankful for our fun and crazy family.

wishlist..

2010-11-05T13:28:00.001-07:00

i wouldn't say that you'd often hear me mentioning things that "i want"... i've always been an (overly) frugal person, so i tend not to think about spending money on this or that unless it's a necessity. lately though, there have been some things rolling around in my head, so thought i'd share my little dreamy wishlist. i guess this is "window shopping" for a mama who's usually perusing windows through the internet instead of actually walking past them. :)

a massage.. oh the gloriousness that is a full body massage. i've been graced with a couple in my lifetime, and i find myself every now and then just wishing i were lying on a table in a dark room surrounded by soft music, nice smells, and body oils. ha sounds a little odd out of context, but it's quite a wonderful thing. :)

yes, i know, it's a skillet.. but we have all stainless steel pots and pans right now, and after watching rachael ray daily for the past few weeks, i think i might need to get into the market for something in the non-stick department. very housewife of me, i know.

please do not point and laugh at this being on my wishlist. like i was telling vally the other day, i can't tell you how many times a day i think, if only i had a dust buster right now. maybe because i have a little maniac in my house getting crumbs and what not all over the place on an hourly basis.

and speaking of rachael ray, have you guys heard of her newest cookbook? it's called look and cook, as you can see.. the first 100 recipes have step by step pictures, and the rest of the recipes allow you to go online and cook along with her (commercial free) during the 30 minute meal prep. so cool.

ahhh.. i recently unearthed a sample bottle of brown sugar and fig lotion that i've had for who knows how long, and i fell in love. it has such a soft and warm scent.. hopefully bath and body works will have a blowout sale soon so i can stock up for the skin-chapping weather ahead.

and here's one that i'm sure will be on my dreamy wishlist for years to come.. nice, ridiculously expensive, designer jeans. guys, these jeans go for about 150 dollars (and up).. i mean, my wedding dress was only about 50 bucks more than that. maybe one day i'll bring myself to take the plunge, but i'll probably have to deprive ruby of diapers or a meal or two a day for about a week to fit it into the budget. but hey, that's why it's called a wishlist, right? :)

and lastly, the most ridiculous thing of all. the ipad. i usually don't go bananas for or even really care about technological things, but i have to admit that these are pretty neat. maybe one day i'll win one in a raffle or something. :)

ok, that's all for me. do you all share any of these wishlist items? what are some of yours? let's all wish together.. because i always feel that in wishing i just become more and more thankful for the fact that i'm blessed with so many things that most others would just be icing on the cake.

2010-10-10T08:24:00.000-07:00

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

desert..

2010-10-01T09:35:00.000-07:00

i haven't been able to get this song out of my head and heart ever since hearing the shelly moore band play it during worship at nc state's campus crusade meeting last week. the main lyrics that hit hard were these:

All of my life
In every season
You are still God
I have a reason to sing
I have a reason to worship

i feel like i spend a ton of time talking to God [and thinking and venting to whoever will listen :)] about not knowing what season i'm in.. it's not only that i don't know where i am, it's that sometimes i'm still in denial about where i [all of a sudden] am as well. in some ways, the quickness with which life has changed for me [and for us] in the past couple years has kept me from letting [or wanting] it all to sink in.. and that night it felt like He was looking right at me saying, it doesn't matter. not knowing what season you're in is in itself a season and even in the midst of that, it's about me.. not you.. and no matter what, you always always always have reasons to sing.. to be thankful, joyful, humbled and to worship me. i couldn't stop the tears from flowing that night or wipe the smile off my face.. and that was just what i needed. i felt closer to him than i have in so long and it was so refreshing. and challenging.

surf's up..

2010-09-28T08:04:00.000-07:00

this makes me nervous and happy all at the same time. guess that's what being a mama will do to you.

hush..

2010-09-18T12:34:00.000-07:00

i sing this lullaby to ruby all the time.. i've always liked it, but my love for it definitely grew when my sweet friend jessica from cali painted ruby an awesome piece of art with this song in mind that now hangs in her bedroom (i'll take a picture and post it soon). anyhow, i've never really known the lyrics for all of the different things that "mama's gonna buy you", so when i sing it to rubes i either make up random words or sing gibberish to the tune because, let's face it, ruby doesn't know the difference. :) i thought i'd share the actual lyrics because, after looking them up, i now love the song even more than i did already.

Hush, little baby, don't say a word,
Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird.
If that mockingbird don't sing,
Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring.
If that diamond ring turns brass,
Mama's gonna buy you a looking glass.
If that looking glass gets broke,
Mama's gonna buy you a billy goat.
If that billy goat won't pull,
Mama's gonna buy you a cart and bull.
If that cart and bull turn over,
Mama's gonna buy you a dog named Rover.
If that dog named Rover won't bark.
Mama's gonna buy you a horse and cart.
If that horse and cart fall down,
You'll still be the sweetest little baby in town.
So hush little baby don't you cry,
Cuz Daddy loves you and so do I.

so sweet.

daydreams..

2010-09-15T07:39:00.000-07:00

my friend, janelle, sent me this link today and i had to share. how sweet and creative.

i love friends who see things and think of you because they know what you like.

the real princess was yawning...

the laundry day

gone fishin'

floating in the sky

bookworm

perspective..

2010-09-13T21:04:00.000-07:00

a couple of very note-worthy things have happened both in and around me since friday. firstly, i became an aunt for the second time when my sweet nephew, simon andrew mehaffie, was born at 10:48 on friday night. his miraculous entrance into the world didn't only strike me because of the shear amazing-ness that is the birthing process, but also because of the joy that surrounded his coming. i love how happy babies make people. they're so mysterious. they come when they want to, and when they do decide to make their way, man, do they shake things up. simon did that for all of us.. he teased us some by making us all think quite a few times that he was on his way only to wait a little longer. and then when he finally did make his grand entrance, he fulfilled all of his mama and daddy's hopes and came naturally and without a hitch. it was such a joyful time. none of us could wait for him to finally come, and once he did, he didn't disappoint. it was the first time (well, since having ruby :)) that i was able to be at the hospital to wait for the arrival of a baby.. i was so thankful to be able to see him, luke, and rockie so soon after his birth. what a warmth filled the room when we walked in to meet him.. l & r were spilling over with joy at the arrival of their son.. the sovereignty that the Lord showed by bringing him at just the right time and in such a perfect way was overwhelming for them. i was so thankful for their excitement over him.. but when i thought about it later, i couldn't help but feel sadness in knowing that not all children are welcomed into the world in that way. not everyone sees their offspring as "bundles of joy". what perspective came for me while lingering on that fact.. what drive it gave me to love the unloved every chance i'm given. what a daunting, but worthy task. and what a reason to be all the more thankful for people like my sweet brother and sister-in-love who fiercely love their children.

the bundle.

all four.

i also felt shaken during and after being a part of our church's involvement with WIHN sunday night. our home group made dinner for four families who will be spending this week living in our church building, and then a friend of mine and i spent the night at the building as hosts and helpers for the families for the evening. i so enjoyed observing and talking to everyone until lights out at 9:00, but i felt myself holding back tears several times. to hear a five year old boy talk about things he liked to do "before he was homeless" was undeniably saddening. just looking at his sweet face and hearing him say how hard it is to go from church to church and community center to community center because he doesn't have a home was literally heart-breaking. i laid on my cot that night, sad, confused, angry, disappointed, but also thankful.. given perspective. our apartment is small, our money is tight, our savings are little, but we have so so much.. i hate forgetting that. i hate that sometimes it takes a five year old homeless child that i weep because i cannot help to remind me of it.

guess what..

2010-09-03T07:38:00.000-07:00

we moved! so, that explains why i haven't been blogging, well, at all lately. hopefully i'll be back at it soon.. and maybe even with a few projects to share since i feel the sewing bug biting.

run and tell that..

2010-08-18T18:18:00.000-07:00

my brother-in-law opened up my world when he e-mailed me these two videos.

original.

remix. so hilarious.

so, run and tell that, homeboy.

the hubs..

2010-08-17T07:53:00.000-07:00

i married a great man. i feel like it's almost unnecessary to say that marriage is hard.. i think my favorite way to describe it is that it's "no joke". it's easy for me to be cynical or realistic to an extreme when i talk and think about marriage, but even in the midst of that, i am thankful that God has put a desire in me to be someone who wants to display and reveal the trueness of what marriage can be. it's not a walk in the park. it's not always easy and comfortable.. two people staring googley-eyed at one another for years on end taking everything in stride and always agreeing on decisions. it's not always passion-filled and "i love the idea of growing old with you". sometimes it's rock bottom hard. sometimes it's "you make me more angry than i ever thought i could be and i don't understand you one bit". sometimes it's crying and praying and not knowing how to see past the argument to the hope of the future. at least that's the "sometimes" that we've had over the past two plus years.. but but but it is joy. and it is a choice.. there is a decision and a commitment to remain. marriage, for me, draws out my imperfections and begs me to be a more patient and selfless version of myself. it pulls at the parts of me deep inside that i want to deny.. the feelings that it's inevitable that daniel will eventually just become another person who will abandon me.. and because of that twisted belief i push and push instead of trusting in the commitment he's made. marriage is big.. it's for real.. it is, in a lot of ways, nothing like what you imagine [at least it wasn't for me]. i often wish that more people were honest about the grittiness that marriage can have, as well as the victory that comes with overcoming a miscommunication, trial, or big decision. it's so refreshing to know we're not alone.

i'm thankful for this man..

for the words that he's written, and the best that he brings out in me. i pray that someday my sweet girl finds someone to have and to hold as worthy as her daddy.

secrets..

2010-08-05T18:02:00.000-07:00

i wonder how often that happens.

people are crazy.. and i hope the one who wrote this never comes to my house.

me too.

(Email)
I wonder if straight people know how lucky they are to be straight.

(Email)
I wonder if any white/non-white/straight/non-straight people know how lucky they are to not be autistic.

i wonder if the grass is always greener.

i wouldn't mind being invited to that wedding.

i'd say this is on average the response from those who don't know what else to say.. i think nothing would usually be better.

stream..

2010-07-21T08:45:00.000-07:00

i had some good, refreshing time in belmont a couple weeks ago, and i've been such a lazy blogger lately that i'm just getting around to sharing. it was so nice to have some time away from my day-to-day routine at home with ruby and give my parents the opportunity to have 5 (or 6?) straight days to spend time with ruby girl and see her in all of her sweet, wild glory. my mom is such a servant to me anytime she's around.. getting up with ruby and the sun everyday, helping her at mealtimes, changing diapers, and so many other things that i do love, but also tire of doing day in and day out. it's a blessing, and i'm thankful that she finds joy in it. i also got to visit ikea for the first time (crazy.) and see my sweet friends brandon and christy.. what perfect timing since they had their lovely baby girl lucy just a few days later..

here she is..

i'm aware that you can't see her sweet, new, little face at all in this picture, but i've been in love with this shot ever since brandon sent it to facebook. b & c have so badly longed to be parents, and i've been filled with joy for them since their baby girl was born. one of the things that really helped me through the time right after we found out we were surprise pregnant with ruby was the thought of so so many people who want nothing more than to have children and either never see that hope realized or go through extremely hard times until it happens for them.. although becoming ruby's parents came as a shock to us, i am so grateful that we were blessed in a way that others sometimes aren't.

another major highlight of my time in the queen city was deciding to stay in town a bit later than i had planned so i could visit redemption church at my friends shawn and kalle's home in charlotte. i've been so impressed by the way they've been following the call on their lives to be church planters, and that even in the midst of extremely difficult times they moved across the country and are doing just what they know God is asking of them. shawn taught out of the end of ephesians, and although i was challenged a ton concerning my marriage specifically, what he spoke about regarding the purpose of the relationships in our lives in general is what has been resonating with me ever since that weekend. i guess what i walked away with is probably a simple idea, but being reminded of the fact that although we serve a gracious Father who allows our relationships to bring joy to us and enhance our time on earth, the true purpose of our connections with others is ultimately his glory. his glory. man man man did that kick my butt. i didn't get in my car back to raleigh that night with a smile on my face patting myself on the back thinking, "awesome. i'm a God honoring machine in my marriage, friendships, motherhood..." it was pretty much the opposite.. i was able to think of instance after instance in which i, if anything, dishonor God in the way i treat my husband, spend my time with friends, acquaintances, and even strangers, and think and act as a mom. in most cases, i'm probably either not behaving in a way that glorifies the Lord or thinking of the relationship with whoever is it as beneficial and for me.. not him. shew. it was humbling, but i was so thankful. since i've been home, i've regularly been finding myself checking my spirit, attitude, actions, and words and (working at) altering them to reflect something that brings him glory. although it's beyond easy to let myself think and live like everything and everyone in my life revolves around me and what feels good, looks good, and makes my time here good, it's better and necessary to realize that it's just not about me.. i want to operate in my relationships in a way that makes people double take and wonder what's different about them and why.. not to boast in myself, but so that i can point to him and how's he's changed my heart.

i definitely know that i didn't explain that nearly well enough to give you an idea of all that is and has been going through my head since hearing shawn teach that night, but i hope it gives you an idea of what i'm trying to learn. what a process.

and here are a few pictures from my whirlwind 24 hours in charlotte this past weekend..

the same day my very cool sister finally moved to raleigh,

i was in charlotte to see these two sweeties tie the knot..

and spend some time with these girls and a handful of other friends from college.

times really really does fly.. but i'm always thankful for the comfort i find in being around people who know me.

ok. stream of consciousness.. complete. thanks for hanging in there. :)

can't stop..

2010-07-11T18:49:00.000-07:00

if you ever feel sad (or any other emotion, for that matter), watch this video. i can't stop.

dad's day..

2010-06-21T13:31:00.000-07:00

since ruby loves her daddy so much, it was only natural for her to make him a little something for their second father's day together. somehow i was able to paint her hands and pry her fingers out straight for long enough to get these sweet little one year old hands prints on the blank side of a grits box. my especially favorite part is the pink heart made from her two little thumbs prints. insert "aww" {here}.

ruby is the sweetest girl, and i can't really express how much i look forward to seeing her and her daddy grow closer over the years to come. for many reasons, father's day has never really been a day that i looked forward to with joy or expectation.. seeing daniel as a dad has changed that for me, and i am so thankful. my heart feels hopeful because of how different i know ruby's relationship with her daddy will be than mine was.. not only hopeful for her and for myself, but also for others in my life who i know have a less than ideal view of what a father looks like. i feel very blessed in that hope, because it gives me assurance that history does not have to repeat itself and that our children can have blessings where we had only curses. sounds super spiritual, perhaps, but it's exactly how i feel.

thank you, daniel, for being a part of that hope. <3

i love..

2010-06-19T17:56:00.000-07:00

the end of a (somewhat) productive day. our very peaceful apartment after a sweet baby is put to bed without a peep. a little time to myself. knowing that a lovely man will be walking through the door so soon.

a trip..

2010-06-19T17:37:00.000-07:00

i had this conversation with a woman at harris teeter tonight..

i was waiting in the checkout line with ruby and a 50ish year old woman was standing at the end of the lines looking at magazines.

suddenly, she strikes up a conversation.

lady- excuse me.

me- yes?

lady- do you happen to be wealthy and european?

me- no, why?

lady- well, this magazine (showing me this month's issues of vogue) is full of stories about wealthy europeans living ridiculous lifestyles in big homes and with their fancy things. is that something you'd be interested in?

me- well, no, not really.

lady- (pointing at ruby) is that a boy or a girl?

me- she's a girl.

lady- oh, why doesn't she have any hair?

me- (smiling all the while) i'm not sure.

lady- can she walk yet?

me- yea, she can walk.

lady- well, i guess she can't read yet, can she?

me- no, she can't read.

lady- i guess you're not interested in trying to teach her (again, extending the vogue magazine).

me- haha well, no, not with that at least.

lady- oh, well bye.

me- bye. :)

people are funny (and strange). i kind of wish i had interactions like this daily.

nostaglia..

2010-06-16T07:03:00.000-07:00

i spent a few days in boone this past weekend, and although the trip was great overall, i have to say that it was filled with some mixed emotions. more than anything i realized that, at this point in my life, nostalgia is among my least favorite emotions. although it was nice in some ways to spend time driving and walking around town and campus reminiscing, i also felt a lot of sadness. more than missing college itself i felt a tangible loss for the way relationships were during that part of my life.. how truly involved and connected i was with the people closest to me.. i think i felt more known in college than i really have since then. i mean, since leaving boone i haven't lived in one place for longer than a year.. so, by the time i've gotten close to that comfortable, transparent, connected point in relationships outside of my family, i'm gone. i guess in the midst of this i'm realizing more and more just how vital community is to me.. to know and be known by people and to share life. i'm not a "spread myself thin" kind of friend.. it takes time for me to show someone who i am, and at times i think i keep myself from doing so if i fear that the effort that it takes will end up being in vain. i'm not saying that this is a good trait to have all around, but i am thankful that i put care and concern into the relationships i have instead of giving parts of myself to anyone who's might show a bit of interest at the moment. anyway, all of that to say that i'm definitely aware of the fact that i haven't yet come down off of the transition rollercoaster.. although we've been "settled" here in north carolina for close to a year, i'm still feeling the effects of all that's gone on in life in the past few years. man, life is quite a process, huh?

on the brighter side, there is a lot lot lot that i'm so thankful for in life right now. for one, my sister is moving to raleigh in a little over a month, and that is a season that i am looking forward to like crazy. also, d and i are definitely spending more time with friends and family lately; which is a blessing in so many ways. i was thinking the other day that a specific way i feel like i can pinpoint the Lord directly answering prayer in my life is when it comes to relationships.. i'm experiencing that right now, and i really believe that he knows when and how the cries of my heart need to be answered in that area. so, although i definitely miss how things have been as far as certain relationships in the past, i have hope and excitement about what's coming. i'm also thankful for times that i've had recently when i've been able to look back at the yearish that we spent in california with fondness and have been able to clearly see some of the purpose that God had for having us there... yes, very thankful for that. and of course, i am so thankful for our sweet little rubes.. she is nothing short of a blessing and literally does something daily that either melts my heart, cracks me up, or highlights an area in which i really need some work.. how can a kid do all of that?? it's pretty neat.

thanks for being interested in things i have to say.. this was a bit of a ramble, but i'm glad i got it out. happy wednesday. :)

oh the things you can find on google images.

pass it on..

2010-06-14T11:36:00.001-07:00

i read this post today on a blog that i follow.. she relates parenthood to gardening, and since i really enjoyed what she had to say, i wanted to pass it on. obviously, child-rearing is something on my mind these days because, well, i have a child. ruby's recently come into an age where it's obvious that she is learning right from wrong, and along with that, learning how to be disobedient. i have to say that the thought of the years ahead of raising, disciplining, teaching, correcting, and guiding her are daunting to me.. i can't believe i have the future of another human being in my hands. on the other hand, it's something i'm looking forward to because i know that i will learn so much.. about myself, about her, about my husband, about others around me.. and i'm hoping that she will be patient with me, and that some day she will look back on our life together and see that we did the best we possibly could.

treats..

2010-06-11T07:52:00.001-07:00

i'm very excited to be going to see this musical tonight at the durham performing arts center.. it's pretty much the only plus that's coming out of my mom and dad-in-love being away for the summer. it's going to be magical.

and in less than a month i will be going to see this man..

with my man as a belated anniversary outing. oh, michael buble.. you are so dreamy. he's coming to raleigh, so you should go see him too.. tickets here.

awesome.

2010-06-06T18:54:00.000-07:00

my friend becky shared this site, 1000 awesome things, with me today, and i had to share it with you. i felt happy, convicted, and inspired all at once while reading it. pretty much all day today i've felt the opposite of awesome. i just had one of those days when i felt cooped up and kind of pathetic about life. perhaps i was throwing myself a mini pity party all day.. thinking that life just doesn't really look at all like what i thought it would looking forward a few years ago (does that make sense?).. sometimes things just seem mundane. like i live day to day doing pretty much the same thing over and over.. and that even knowing that, i don't do much to change it. don't you ever just feel tired? like on another level tired? well, i felt that way today.. and then i read thing after little thing on this blog that made me smile and think, alinna, get over yourself, so much is awesome about life. just having life is awesome. so, i have a new goal (along with reading through the bible; which i'm happy to share is still happening).. i bought a notebook at target today just because it was 50 cents, but had no plan for it (yes, i am that much of a sucker for a clearance item).. so, my goal is to write down at least five things a day that are awesome and that i'm thankful for. i like this plan.

i also have to share that i typed "life is awesome" into google images and this picture came up.. what's funny is that after clicking on it, it turns out that it's actually from the 1000 awesome things site.. awesome example of life's awesomeness. :)

bookshelves..

2010-05-27T18:09:00.000-07:00

i've was very happy while daniel and i were dating when we realized that we both really wanted a library, or at least a lot of books on shelves, someday. we don't have the space for it now, but hopefully one day we will have rooms that look something like these.

source

2010-05-27T17:43:00.000-07:00

although i'm sure this doesn't interest most of you, as you can see, there's a little change in the look of the blog as of tonight. i'm not sure i'll stick it with (i actually thought about going down to a plain jane white background for a bit, but decided to wait on that), but we'll see. not much is going on to blog about, but there will be much to say after the "ruby is one" festivities this weekend. i really can't wait to spend time with family for a few days and celebrate our sweet little surprise girl.

here's a shot of what ruby and i were looking like about one year ago. craziness. i don't think we could have imagined how much we'd love her even if we'd tried.

oh, and here's an interesting article that i came across today on another blog that i follow. the blogger is also the dad pictured in the article.. he was interviewed because the article is about the rise in the number of maternal deaths in the US, and he lost his wife the day after she gave birth by c-section to their daughter, madeline. liz, the mom, was never able to hold their daughter before she died instantly of a blood clot. the article discusses how the maternal death rate has increased in recent years in america, and how it's higher here than in 40 other industrialized countries.. that fact is so disturbing, and i would have been shocked if i hadn't recently watched the documentary, "the business of being born", that i blogged about not long ago. it's definitely a must read for anyone who plans, or knows someone who plans, to have children.

two yums...

2010-05-21T17:40:00.000-07:00

i wanted to share this glazed pecan recipe that i found the other night because they were oh so good and super easy.

i put them in a salad along with baby spinach, dried and sweetened cranberries (craisins), and feta cheese, and topped it off with a raspberry walnut vinaigrette dressing. it was a big hit at dinner with the girls in my home group, and since it was so simple, i had to share.

the other "yum" i came across on a stranger's blog that i follow, and have already tried it out because i was so excited (and hungry for a snack). i'm a big fan of popcorn, but not of the greasy and overly buttery kind. i've popped my own for a long time using a pot on the stove, olive oil, and kernels... but doing it this way keeps me from having popcorn very often because of the time it takes and dishes it dirties. so, i was happy to discover the recipe.. just drizzle a tiny bit of olive oil over about two tablespoons of popcorn kernels, put them in a brown paper sack, and microwave. amazing, right? i'm sure you could put melted butter on before or after popping, so try that out if you'd like. easy, cheap, and delicious.

yum.

2010-05-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

chick-fil-a for free? yes, please.

http://www.getspicychicken.com/

2010-05-21T06:53:00.000-07:00

remember this, luke and rockie? :)

milestone.

2010-05-18T17:41:00.000-07:00

ok, this is probably much too much information, but i just put my sweet, almost one year old, and now, weaned little girl to bed, and so many emotions are welling up inside of me. in some ways i feel liberated, but my heart is also so sad. it's strange, because there have been many times when nursing has been painful, inconvenient, tiring, strange, and many more things, but regardless of all that, tonight it brought me to tears knowing that it's over. i guess it's a tangible indicator of just how fast she's changing, and there's probably a deeper level at which i almost feel like she needs me less now because of this change. of course, my logical self knows that's not true.. but i'm sure you know where i'm coming from. believe people when they say they grow up in a flash.

man, i love her more than i thought possible.

mi madre.

2010-05-08T20:31:00.001-07:00

i definitely believe that ever since i've been able to recognize the kind of person my mom is i've appreciated her. but, now being a mama myself, the awe that i have for my mom has vastly grown. my mom is amazing. she is a woman of the Word, virtuous, slow to anger, and quick to love. she is prayerful, eager to listen, and quick to forgive. she is selfless, a servant, joyful, and self-sacrificing. she feels deeply and finds true excitement in simple things. she is unique. she is mine. yes, i had a surprise baby.. but my mom had two. by the time she was my age (younger actually) she had two girls who she'd give anything for, and was taking care of us on her own. she loved men who took it for granted and did nothing but hurt her, and was given a baby boy to love and care for only to see him go back to his true Father. she followed a dream and became a nurse while doing all she could to make sure my sister and i had everything we needed.. and even if there were times when we didn't, we never knew because she sacrificed so that we could thrive. it literally boggles my mind to try and think of all the times she put herself last so that vally and i could become who we are today. she cried on the phone tonight telling me how proud she is of me, but "me" is because of her.. and i don't even know how to be thankful enough for that. i love my mom.. i cherish who she is, and i'm thankful that i daily find myself becoming more like her.

happy mother's day, mama.

swagger..

2010-05-08T20:27:00.001-07:00

see how cool it is to be a parent? what what.

2010-05-08T07:17:00.001-07:00

i've been thinking a bit recently about how surprising life can be. it's so unpredictable. i feel like the years since college have been especially so for me. it almost makes me feel like there really isn't even any point in making plans.. just let it flow. i mean, i know that's pretty much impossible because i need to be a responsible adult in some areas, but overall i feel like i'm trying harder lately to be more laid back about where we are and what's next. it's just easier that way. that's hard for me though because, although i wouldn't really call myself a "planner", i am prone to worry and it's never easy to break that in oneself. it's definitely a process.

speaking of surprises.. these two are a couple of the biggest ones for me. my love.. who regularly surprises me about who he is and also helps me realize more about who i am (which is always surprising). and the little one.. boy, did she come out of nowhere. the best surprise of my life. <3

2010-05-06T20:36:00.000-07:00

saw this on my sister's facebook wall. people are so creative.

2010-05-06T20:26:00.001-07:00

if you don't want to see this movie, i'm convinced there's something wrong with you. oh man, this warms my heart.

2010-05-03T19:35:00.000-07:00

our friends, jacob and brittney, came for a visit tonight before their flight to port-au-prince, haiti tomorrow. i read on their latest blog entry that they both just finished reading through the Bible in 90 days. i'd never heard of anyone using that short of a schedule (just the "in a year" format) before, and i was intrigued. after talking with them tonight and hearing positive feedback from their experience, i've decided to give it a try. for those of you who read my 5 o'clock club post, you might be thinking "yea right".. i'm not necessarily the most "follow through-ish" person with big things like this, but i'm going to do my best. i think reading through the Bible as a book, a piece of literature, rather than a devotional to be read and gleaned from through sections, verses, and stories will be really interesting. it's not something i've done before. i'm hoping this is a success and that i have some things to share.

i think i can. i think i can.

The Bible in 90 Days - Reading Schedule

2010-04-30T18:40:00.000-07:00

i really enjoy this blog and her work. i envy her talent. i'm pretty sure i would trade in my singing voice for her skill at art. we always want what we don't have, huh?

unicorns.

2010-04-30T11:16:00.000-07:00

this hilarious video...

reminded me of this hilarious video. anyone remember carman??

2010-04-26T20:57:00.000-07:00

what do you think about letter openers? i think they make opening mail [bills] much more enjoyable, and lately i've been thinking i'd like to have one. i might be going with my sis-in-law to cruise around the flea market this weekend, so maybe i'll find one there. here are a few i came across online that caught my eye. see what you think..

source

isn't the poodle one hilarious? i think i'd crack up every time i saw that sticking out of my pencil jar.

another to watch..

2010-04-10T17:31:00.000-07:00

maybe you've heard of it before, but daniel and i just came across this show called 30 days. you can watch it on hulu, so you have no excuse but to tune in. :) it's created and hosted by the guy (morgan spurlock) who made super size me (another good documentary), and every one hour episode gives you a look at someone living a life pretty much opposite their own for thirty days. in the first episode, morgan and his fiance both work and live off of only the money from minimum wage jobs.. eesh, right? so eye-opening and interesting. take a look.

born..

2010-04-08T17:38:00.001-07:00

i just watched this documentary, and i highly suggest it. i'm pretty sure it's solidified a desire in me to use a midwife our next time around; especially being confident that i can make it through a natural birth after having ruby. even though i didn't have medication with ruby, i think it would be a completely different experience to go through labor with more freedom than you're given in the traditional "always in bed" hospital setting. i made it to eight centimeters at home with ruby, so i'd like to think that i could go all the way through delivery either at home or in a birthing center. we'll see. either way, watch the movie.. it's a good one.

not naked..

2010-04-06T20:57:00.001-07:00

a lot of people probably already know about it, but i just found this blog and i really like it.

i just read this post of his from the other day, and man, what a lot to take in and believe. give it a read.. and let's work on really trusting these things.

postsecret.

2010-04-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

-----Email Message-----

Dear Stranger,

You saw me crying at the bottom of the mountain, alone, on my cell phone. Thank you for the hug it made me laugh and everything didn't feel so bad.

-----Email Message-----

Thank you for seeing me crying in downtown and pulling over to make sure I was alright. I wish I knew your name because you made me feel like I mattered. It saved my life.

2010-04-02T20:55:00.001-07:00

this video.. equally hilarious and heartbreaking.

no fooling...

2010-04-01T08:15:00.001-07:00

well, i know it's april fools day, but this ain't no joke. the little girl took her first steps this morning! d had just left for work, and i thought i'd give another quick try at getting her to step towards me. i put her out standing in front of me and, low and behold, she took one little step forward! i did it again, and she took two steps! it was very fun for both of us. :) i got this little video of her third try.. it didn't work out as well as the two before since she was distracted by the phone recording her, but hey.. it's something for you to see. what a big girl.

2010-03-30T08:55:00.000-07:00

i want to start off by saying that a few hours after writing yesterday's post i started to feel really self conscious. i was thinking that i had been too forthcoming and vulnerable and that maybe people would read it and think, "dang girl, put it all out there why don't cha." then i started getting responses and i felt overwhelming encouraged. thank you all for the kind and affirming words, and also for appreciating the vulnerability and honesty that i sometimes doubt myself in putting out there. tears came to my eyes while reading every comment.. i think more than anything i was encouraged to make a more conscious effort to express the things i admire and appreciate about people more often. in some ways it's hard and uncomfortable, but it's also really necessary. so i'll be working on that, and thank you guys for helping to give me that desire.

i also wanted to share the book i started reading last night.. and that pretty much knocked me right on my booty just by reading the preface. my struggles with my walk with the Lord are definitely on the top of the list as far as what occupies my mind on a regular basis, and after thinking through things yesterday i really felt like i needed to work harder at getting answers to some of the questions swirling around in my head. so, instead of turning on the tv or logging onto facebook last night i went and took a look on our bookshelf. the title of this book jumped out at me because pursuing God is something i haven't ever really known how (or why) to do. not that i don't see the importance of a walk with Christ, but i think i've always looked more at the strength of my relationship with God in terms of how much stuff i "do" for him and because i'm a christian rather than enjoying getting to know him better and knowing that in doing so i will naturally become who he has plans for me to be. so yea, i had never head of a.w. tozer or this very famous book, but i'm already really interested in what he has to say. i'd love insight from any of you who have already read the book. it seems like it's going to give me a ton to think about.

2010-03-29T08:39:00.001-07:00

my mind has been a bit of a whirlwind lately. it just seems like there's always something stirring around in there. i thought it might be good to get out some of these random thoughts. maybe it will help me to really start working on getting to the bottom of them.

one. i used to be much more secure and confident. i think i felt the most sure of who i was in college. not that i didn't grow and change like crazy during those years, but i think i cared a lot less about what other people thought of me, how i looked, what i wore.. things like that. i miss that.

two. i care a lot more about my post-baby body than i thought i would. i think this one goes along with number one in that, overall, i really don't like feeling insecure and critical of myself.. it's not good for my mind and heart and it also spills over into my relationships because i've realized that when i'm hard on myself i'm also more critical of others. no good.

three. it seems like my mood is at times highly controlled by the weather. i wonder if a lot of people feel that way.

four. i was given a book by my best friend whitney called cold tangerines, and in it she writes about spending a lot of time waiting on the person she wants or expects herself to be. i've been thinking about that a lot lately because i definitely do that. there are so many things i wish i were.. more artsy, a better cook, a better friend/wife/mom, more like (insert any number of people's names here who i compare myself to), smarter, calmer, less judgmental.. the list goes on and on. not that i'm saying or thinking that becoming a better version of myself is a bad thing, but i think i spend so much time wishing i were "whatever" that i don't allow myself to be me now and let the better version of myself come out of that.. rather than coming out of how hard i am on me now. that probably makes no sense in writing.

five. why the heck is there so much stuff in this world? i went shopping with my mom and sis-in-love for a few hours on saturday and i was once again astounded by all the stuff there is. it's ridiculous. i've said it once and i'll say it again that all manufacturing could halt and i truly believe that there is enough of everything (well, other than food, i guess) for all of us to live on from here on out. seriously. enough.

six. lately i've had many more questions and doubts about God and my faith in him than i've had answers or strong security. i don't like this feeling. at least the way i've been feeling it. mostly because these doubts and questions have not necessarily been accompanied by a desire to refute them or push hard towards him for comfort and assurance. if anything, it's exhausting and discouraging.

seven. i think i'm realizing that, in general, i need other people a lot more than they need me. i don't really feel very needed. eesh it makes me cry to say that. a lot of this is sounding very "whoa es me", isn't it? that's not my intention.. this is just one of the realizations i've had lately. maybe it's not true, but it feels true. i think i've always felt rather needy, so maybe that explains it.

yea. there's a lot for me to think about here. i have a feeling i'll be coming back to read this post many times in the near future. and once again, i feel like i share way too much here in the blogosphere.. but vulnerability hasn't ever been that difficult for me.. i guess there's good and bad in that.

to try..

2010-03-24T20:24:00.001-07:00

call me crazy, but i'd like to try my hand at these..

http://hubpages.com/hub/Homemade_bagel_recipe_Make_great_nadrolled_water_bagels__its_as_easy_as_baking_a_loaf_of_bread

found..

2010-03-24T20:19:00.000-07:00

the things people create.. wowzers.